Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever

The other night I was reading the 1979 Whizzer and Chips annual, when a story called “Whizz Wheels” caught my eye.

Normally I don’t read the ‘action’ stories, preferring to skip straight to more light hearted fare like Fuss Pot and Beat Your Neighbour. But something about this story told me to stop and read it. I’m glad I did, because now I’m obsessed with it. Naturally I had to share it with you guys, and I think you will all be better people for it.

So join me, intrepid reader, for a tale of crime, intrigue, and penny farthings…

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“This is Tommy Wheels, known as ‘Whizz’ to his pals”. Really? Tommy Wheels? This is the biggest load of nominative determinism since I changed my name to ‘Sitting On The Settee Scratching Myself’.

I like to think Tommy Wheels secretly really hates bikes, but he’s under enormous pressure from his friends and family to be some kind of bike nut. Maybe Tommy would really like a horse, but he can’t have a horse because horses don’t have wheels. Also – “Your dad rode bikes, and I’m fucked if you’re going to shame this family by not riding bikes.”

The point is that Tommy has built his entire personality around bikes. And not just bikes – Whizz has also mastered the penny farthing, and the unicycle.

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He actually calls it a ‘monocycle’, but I’m pretty sure this is a monocycle:

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If the story was just about you riding one of those Whizz, we’d all be happier.

Anyway, Whizz’s favourite hobby is showing off, which he does until the local bully arrives, who is apparently 37 years old.

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‘Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill’ (full name) has taken exception to some kids riding bikes, and runs them all over. Good.

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One girl decides to start breakdancing.

Whizz decides it would be a smashing idea to splatter mud all over Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill.

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“I’LL TELL MY DAD OF YOU!” Dude you’re 37, your dad’s going to be in his 70s, what’s he going to do?

Now I think about it, isn’t ‘Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill’ the English translation of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch?

Now we get to the plot. The gang are celebrating beating Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill, when PC As-you-know arrives to tell them all about a spate of bike thefts in the area:

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I wonder if, by some massive coincidence, Whizz is going to become embroiled in this dastardly bike-stealing plot? Maybe he’s the one stealing the bikes, because he loves bikes so much? Although I doubt that, for the following reasons:

1: Whizz is the hero of this story; he wouldn’t go round depriving people of bikes.

2: I’ve read this story, and I know that’s not what happens.

However, Whizz does become tangled up in this web of spokes and deceit. In the very next panel, in fact:

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Oh shit, someone’s stolen his bike! I notice they didn’t steal his unicycle, because it’s crap.

Deprived of transport, Whizz must walk to the shop like a poor person. On the way, he bumps into Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill:

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It is at this point that we begin to lose what little logic there was in this story. Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill rips the piss out of Whizz for not being on his bike. This is quite understandable, given that Whizz has built his entire personality around his bike, and showing off on his bike. However, Whizz takes Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill’s pointing out the obvious to mean that he is somehow involved in the thefts.

“How does he know I’ve got a bike problem?”

Because you’re not on your bike you stupid fucking pube.

Whizz loses his shit:

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In classic comic logic, Whizz decides that snooping around Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill’s big house on the hill is now a better way to go than reporting the theft to the rozzers.

That night Whizz slips out, taking care to remain as inconspicuous as possible:

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To give him his credit, Whizz manages to find the thieves in FIVE MINUTES.

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And just in case any spectacularly stupid kids happened to be reading:

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By a massive stroke of luck, Whizz spots his bike. He decides to grab it and ride to the police station to grass them all up. Unfortuantely, Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill spots him, and shouts his dad:

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“Dad, Whizz has infiltrated our lair! I SAID WHIZZ HAS INFILTRATED OUR LAIR! What? I don’t know where you’ve put your teeth! No I can’t help you get out of the bath now, I’m busy grassing someone up to you!”

While Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house on the hill is fixing the Stannah so his dad can get downstairs, Whizz makes a break for it. There follows a very exciting chase scene:

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Just when we think Whizz is going to make it, one of the Halfords henchmen makes the most amazing shot in the world:

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Seriously – he throws a stick and manages to get it in the spokes while they’re moving.

not bad

Having caught Whizz, the bad guys are nice enough to give the readers a thorough explanation of what they’re doing, before smashing up Whizz’s entire identity:

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Warning: this next bit contains mild and hilarious peril.

The bad guys have left Whizz tied to the lorry, while they go indoors and apparently just stand in a row.

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This does raise the question of what they’re ultimately going to do with him. It’s implied they’re going to kill him, but no one really gets killed in Whizzer and Chips, so that seems a bit off. Are they going to leave him there until the end of time? Are they going to take him to France and sell him to some pirates? Are they going to let him go and hope he forgets about the whole thing? Maybe they’re hoping he’ll die on his own for an unrelated reason.

Whatever they’re going to do, it isn’t ‘give all the bikes back, apologise and fuck off’. Therefore, Whizz needs a plan to escape.

A ha!

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Of course, the welding torch! That’s… wait, hang on.

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Wait a minute. Whizz, please tell me your plan is not ‘set the lorry and myself on fire on the off chance that the policeman from earlier just happens to be looking out of his window, and can see the fire, and decides to come and put it out, and somehow gets there before my knob burns off’. Please tell me that’s not your plan.

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Look how pleased with himself he is.

Amazingly, this demented plan works. It has to, because we’ve only got half a page left and there isn’t room for Whizz to set himself on fire and run round trying to put himself out.

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The rozzers show up and arrest the bad guys.

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Shame on them for not saying the following things:

– “You’re ‘wheelie’ in trouble now!”

– “Let me hand you over to my SPOKESman!”

– “I guess you could call this a vicious cycle!”

– “That one doesn’t make any sense Geoff.”

– “Yeah I know just go with it.”

As a reward for catching the thieves by sheer idiocy and self-immolation, the rozzers club together and buy Wheels a new bike. It’s exactly like the old bike, except the saddle isn’t worn out from all the times Wheels got a bit too excited to be riding his bike.

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We end with Wheels giving the readers a lecture on road safety, which is a bit rich coming from him. “It’s ok to set yourself on fire lads, as long as you always give the correct hand signals while doing so.”

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And that concludes our epic tale. I hope your life has been enriched by it as mine has. It almost made me go cycling, but then I remembered I had some episodes of 60 Minute Makeover on catch up, so I watched those instead.

Fin.

7 thoughts on “Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever

  1. I’ve written a short sequel to this story. Tommy ‘Whizz’ Wheels discovers that PC Cotton had replaced his bike with one of the bikes that Nasty Nigel Norris from the big house had stolen. It then transpires that PC Cotton had pocketed the collection money raised by his fellow officers and is done for fraud and handling stolen goods.

    Liked by 1 person

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