Have you ever done that thing where someone says ‘Whatever you do, do not hit yourself in the face with this hot frying pan’, and you’ve immediately thought ‘Why? What will happen if I do? Well now I need to hit myself in the face with this hot frying pan just to find out.’ This episode is about that.
Geoffrey, instead of having a job, has spent the morning lining up some dominoes:
“You see these? These are fucking banging these are.”
He’s clearly put hours of work into this. I hope nothing happens to his dominoes. I hope, for example, that a naked bear isn’t suddenly curious about the dominoes.
“I have to go out of the room Bungle. Don’t touch those dominoes.”
“Just don’t touch them.”
Should Geoffrey have said:
A) “Touch these dominoes and I’ll fucking kill you.”
B) “If you so much as look at these dominoes, they will fall over, and then I’ll fucking kill you.”
C) “Don’t touch these dominoes, FOR A MYSTERIOUS REASON.”
D: “Put some fucking clothes on Bungle.”
Really, anything but C) would have been appropriate.
To no one’s surprise, Bungle touches the dominoes. This causes the conflict between the US and North Korea to escalate, leading to increased NATO sanctions.
Not really. The dominoes fall over.
“Geoffrey why didn’t you tell me this would happen?”
“I did, I said don’t touch them for no reason at all.”
“Well shall we set them up again?”
“No, you shall set them up again, while I stand here criticising you.”
Next, George has a glass full of marbles. He’s really pleased about this.
“I wonder what would happen if I tipped them out?”
Well George, you would…
(NOTE TO SELF – DO NOT FUCKING MAKE THAT JOKE)
(I AM FUCKING WARNING YOU…)
You would… LOSE YOUR MARBLES!!!1!!1!
Ha, totally worth it.
I’m also right – that is exactly what happens. The marbles go all over the floor, and Geoffrey nearly slips on them. Luckily Geoffrey is wise, so does not slip on them.
Freddy, however, is not wise. This happens:
Go on, sit there watching that thing on a loop. I did.
Rod Jane and Freddy: “Anyway we’ve just come to collect these balloons. Bye!”
Later on, Rod Jane and Freddy will sing a song called ‘Plot Device’.
Suddenly, there’s a horrible smell in the room.
Judging by Geoffrey’s reaction, I think the ceiling is the culprit. Also please note that George has an ice lolly. THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR LATER.
Geoffrey and George can’t figure out what’s causing the smell, until Zippy appears.
“Zippy, can you smell that?”
“Very funny. Do you see a nose anywhere on this face?”
“Zippy, the smell is coming from you! Have you changed your socks today?”
“Again, highly comical. Want to make a crack about me only having one arm while you’re at it?”
Apparently Zippy has been wearing his socks for “days and days”.
“Jesus Zippy you stink. Remember that time Bungle tried to burn sulphur on his ‘Jane shrine’? It’s worse than that.”
Geoffrey takes the socks to the washing machine. Now that’s all sorted, George can get back to his ice lolly.
Or can he?
Dun dun dun! Turns out George’s entire ice lolly has melted in 8 seconds, leaving only some green paint on a saucer.
After a song from Rod, Jane and Freddy about balloons, there’s big excitement as we get to see Bungle standing in the hall!
Ignore the fact that Bungle looks like he’s going to kill you, he’s in the hall! We never see the hall! I think this is where Rod, Jane and Freddy live when they’re not living in the kitchen. Also, I don’t think the hall is on my list of ‘places Bungle could sleep so he doesn’t have to sleep in Zippy and George’s piss and shit’ from this post. I’ll have to update that.
Anyway, Bungle is trying to make a Slinky walk UP the stairs. His research is interrupted by Zippy shouting “We’re going to have a story!”
“Well what if I don’t want a story?”
“Well you don’t have to fucking listen to it do you? You can just sit there and carry on with your groundbreaking work for NASA.”
Bungle reacts as if he’s in an EastEnders cliffhanger.
After the story, Geoffrey wonders what would happen if he poured a whole jug of juice through a funnel, for no reason. This is what would happen Geoffrey:
1: The juice would be in the washing up bowl.
2: You’d have to clean the funnel. And the bowl.
3: No one would have any juice.
This is exactly what happens.
But Geoffrey’s not done yet. He does a ‘magic trick’, which involves putting the funnel behind his back and saying ‘Abracadabra’ while he stuffs something into the spout. “Now watch what happens!” he exclaims. Everyone loses their shit when the juice stays in the funnel.
I didn’t expect to have to write the word ‘funnel’ so many times in this post.
Geoffrey reveals the trick, and once again looks pleased with himself for being able to fool Bungle, Zippy and George.
Then Geoffrey does another trick which is basically ‘If I put a lid on a bowl, things won’t spill out of the bowl. Wow that’s fucking magic!’ I’m losing the will to live.
Somehow, SOMEHOW, he manages to get this wrong, and the juice goes all over the floor.
I think the moral of today’s episode is ‘What will happen if there’s no responsible adult around to stop these guys dicking about?’ And I think we’ve all discovered that the answer is ‘Freddy will fall over.’