The lesser-known careers of Barbie

Everyone knows Barbie can’t hold down a job for more than a day. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following –

• Having sex with the boss on the first day
• Being dim
• Lacking flexible limbs
• Office politics
• That time she threatened to cut that woman

The point is that Barbie has had some tough breaks over the years, but that has never dampened her entrepreneurial spirit. Like a well-worn rag, she dusts herself off and gets back on the horse. Which is a shame, because Barbie’s horse can’t really go anywhere on account of not being alive.

Anyway, let’s take a look back at some of Barbie’s less widely remembered jaunts into the world of work…

Unqualified medical practitioner

Hi everybody! Barbie here, with my definitely-not-written-by-me-in-biro doctor’s certificate. Do you want an operation doing? I’m pretty rad at that! I once cut someone’s hair. The other doctors call me ‘Flat Pack’, because I always have bits left over ha ha! Where are you going? Not if I amputate one of your legs first!

Minimum wage slave

For a brief period, Barbie was part of the glorious McDonald’s empire, all hail McDonald’s. Barbie loved her career growth and ongoing professional development at McDonald’s. She also loved the job because “every day is different, and I love meeting new people!”

Barbie was last seen walking along the M6, muttering to herself. Upon closer inspection, she appeared to have a meat allergy. When confronted, she screamed “I LIKE SMILING!”

Simpering woman

Otherwise known as 1982’s ‘Angel Face Barbie’, whose job was to look inoffensive and say things like “I wouldn’t know about that, but I do love your cravat.”

Barbie got sacked from this job for losing her shit one time and blurting out “Fiddle-di-dee!”

Slag

 

For a few years in the 2000s, Barbie had a professional slag business. This mainly consisted of wearing a slag outfit, and then men would pay her because she looked nice. This payment often took the form of Bacardi Breezers, making for an unsustainable business model. Also she was cold a lot of the time. Business varied by region; the most successful franchises were located in the Doncaster area, whereas the brand never really took off in the Cotswolds.

Lady astronaut

At first, Barbie was hesitant to go into space because “that suit makes me look fat, and also what if I get lost?”. NASA solved this problem by designing a natty pink spacesuit for Barbie, and advising her to keep turning left.

Barbie’s spacesuit also transforms into a sexy miniskirt ensemble, perfect for evenings (if they have evenings in space, I have no idea), and for snagging any eligible moon bachelors.

Severed head

In the 1970s, Barbie donated her head to science. In this instance, ‘science’ was a bunch of girls practising make up, which in the Barbie universe might as well have been CERN.

You can scoff, but have you ever donated your head to science? Get back to me when you have.

On a serious note – if you ever have donated your head to science, leave a note in the comments.

“Computer engineer”

With the advent of personal computing, an eagle-eyed Barbie spotted a gap in the market, and decided to launch her own laptop repair business ‘for women by women’, since she was a woman with glasses. Unfortunately, Barbie was soon to learn that some problems went beyond ‘Turn it off and on again’, ‘I don’t know what a ram is, but I can change that writing so it’s pink’, and ‘Look I can balance this laptop on my arm! It’s quite hot.’

Coppers’ nark

 

You can tell she’s a coppers’ nark straight away because she’s wearing the police slogan on her t-shirt. That’s a schoolboy error when it comes to being a grass.