I love beige. Obviously, anyone who doesn’t love beige should be shunned for being an individual. And because I am a woman one, I also love things like wallpaper, shopping, and shopping for wallpaper. I know this to be true because I read it on some website once.
Fun fact: since 1960, people have put up wallpaper in order to stop their walls becoming portals to hell.
Anyway, I figured I’d review some beige wallpaper. Because, you know.
Graham & Brown Superfresco Colour Aaron Decorative Wallpaper Beige
This is good because it says on the Wickes website how to put it up (paste the paper). This is ideal for people who hadn’t yet figured that out.
Aside from that, this wallpaper has a lot going for it. It’s beige, which I like because that website said I do, it sticks to the wall (I assume), and it doesn’t provoke ‘nam flashbacks like Homebase ‘Nam Flashback Red’.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: George Clooney, that one off London’s Burning, Rene Descartes.
Did I ever tell you about the time my sister shit up the wall?
Vymura Synergy Glitter Floral Wallpaper Soft Gold, Cream, Beige
This wallpaper should have been called ’80s caravan at Ingoldmells’. Also, I don’t know how to pronounce it.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: Justin Fletcher, Su Pollard, Des O’Connor.
My sister was about six, I should point that out. She wasn’t in her 20s and on crack or anything.
Erismann Magnolia Plain Wallpaper (beige)
This very nearly got a glowing review, but loses points for chickening out at the last minute, and going with ‘magnolia’ instead of ‘beige’ as the main colour. Also, it’s not plain, so it is a liar.
It’s ok. I doubt you’d die if you used this wallpaper.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: Angelina Jolie, the woman off the Oral B advert, Lenny Kravitz.
She had the squits, really really bad, and my Dad had the unfortunate job of finding a public toilet for her. I think this was on holiday in Skipsea.
Graham & Brown Devore Beige-Gold
I’m torn on this one. (Wallpaper, torn, get it? Ha ha.) A – it’s Graham & Brown, but not necessarily SuperFresco. B – they’ve gone with ‘Beige-Gold’, instead of nailing their beige colours to the mast. That doesn’t fill me with boring confidence. It looks like it might suit a house that has ‘couple’s movie night’, where she makes him watch ‘The Notebook’ or some such shite.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: Ellie Goulding, any Ellie Goulding tribute acts, that vlogger I don’t like.
He managed to throw her into a toilet cubicle in time, but he underestimated the urgency and volcanic nature of her diarrhoea.
Henderson Interiors Camden Trellis Wallpaper Cream, Gold
This is a good wallpaper for a church, or a geometry lesson, but not for a house. Too much tessellation. Also, they cheated with the gold thing again. I’m not very good at maths.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: Carol Vorderman, Rachel Riley, Richard Whiteley.
She emerged from the toilet cubicle several minutes later, in floods of tears. Apparently, she had underestimated the volcanic nature of her diarrhoea too.
Fine Decor beige gold swirl ‘love live laugh’ luxury heavyweight wallpaper
I don’t like this wallpaper, because it orders you to do things you might not feel like doing, such as existing.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: Gillian McKeith, Kim Jong Un, The Demon Headmaster.
When my dad went in to investigate, he discovered that my sister had managed, by some superhuman feat, to poo all up the walls of the toilet cubicle. She would never explain.
Superfresco Ariadne Beige Gold Wallpaper
Tonight’s clear winner. Not only is it SuperFresco ( I know some of the others were but shut up), it also features stripes, which I like. They get away with the ‘beige/gold’ thing, because I say so.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: Superman, The Queen, Chris Kamara.
To this day we still don’t know how she managed to get poo all up the walls. Answers on a postcard.