Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt

Hello how are you? I am fine.

Do you remember when shopping wasn’t hideous, and sometimes you’d go to the shops for a nice day out? I used to do that before all the shops became one big Tesco that smells of piss and poor people.

The gang are going to have a nice day out at the shops in today’s episode, which is called ‘Shops’. You know what, I bet you could have figured out the title for yourself; it’s not like the episode was going to be called ‘The English Patient’.

Let’s begin. Everyone is bored:

1

George: “I’m bored.”

Zippy: “I’m bored.”

Bungle: “Geoffrey bet me a fiver I couldn’t pull my own nose off. I’ll show him.”

Geoffrey orders them to stop being bored, because “there are hundreds of things to do”. This is a lie Geoffrey. Most officially sanctioned ‘things to do’ are variants of waving limbs around. You know this. I’d say there are about seven things to do, in the whole world. And one of those is seeing if it’s possible to kick yourself in the fanny.

“How about a game of I Spy?”

“Jesus Geoffrey why not just put us in a coma now and have done with it?”

Meanwhile, Geoffrey’s just remembered what he shouted up at Dawn’s window last night.

2 remembered

“Well how about a day out at the shops?” (That way if Dawn comes round to have a go at me I won’t be in.)

This gets the same reaction as “How about we all go on a 5 star cruise?” The gang are so excited that Geoffrey has to remind them to put their coats on before leaving the house. No mention of any other items of clothing, as usual. He also tells them to bring money to the shops, because “I fucking warned you last time Bungle – you can still set the alarms off in Poundland even if you’re menstruating.”

Speaking of Bungle – I bet you all the money in the world he’s got no trousers on.

4

“Ooh what have you got there Bungle?”

“These are some old clothes I’m going to take to the charity shop.”

“They wouldn’t be all the trousers you’ve ever owned by any chance?”

“No there’s a hat in here too somewhere.”

George wants to find a record shop so he can buy a record from the Hit Parade, and Zippy wants to buy some biscuits. Geoffrey wants go to Tandy, because that’s what grown ups always want to do.

Everyone’s ready to go, but then –

“Oh no lads, look out of the window – it’s raining! Zippy, the window’s this way you idiot.”

5 raining

Well, shit.

Bungle, George and Zippy go back to having to choose between I Spy, or killing themselves, or I Spy.

6 oh no

But then Geoffrey has a banging idea:

“Hang on, we can still have our day at the shops!”

“What, by going to Meadowhall, Arndale Centre or similar?”

“Don’t be silly, those places haven’t been invented yet. No, let’s make our own shops here, and go shopping in them! Then we can pay for things we own anyway, but never mind that!”

“Hang on, if we’re going to make realistic shops, we need to fill them with people who smell funny and stand too close to you and are called Alan.”

“Don’t worry, you lot do two of those anyway.”

The others think this is a smashing idea, especially Bungle, who says (and I quote):

“I can set up a charity shop! I’ve already got the clothes and the torch!”

7 clothes n torch

Answers on a postcard. (I accidentally wrote that as ‘pistcard’, which I think we can all agree would have been enjoyable.)

Zippy’s going to have a supermarket, to which the others tut and go “Oh Zippy!”. They’d have done that no matter what shop he was going to have, because they are racist.

George is going to have a record shop, selling two albums of Geoffrey’s and a Pato Banton cassette. Presumably the Jason Donovan poster came from his bedroom, or Geoffrey’s. Jason Donovan is silently saying ‘I never agreed to be in this.’

8 records

Right, let’s see what Zippy’s selling in his supermarket:

9 supermarket

‘Rainbow Puffs’, ‘Rainbow Flakes’, and ‘Rainbow Heinz Beans’, among other things. The other tins are probably all Heinz as well, but they ran out of Rainbow stickers.

“Zippy, what the fuck are you doing selling copyrighted food?”

“Calm your tits Geoffrey, it’s fine, the labels just look really similar is all. Look, these aren’t Heinz beans, they’re ‘Heins beans’. Twice the taste for half the price in tomorrow’s tins, today!”

Moving on, Bungle has opened his charity shop, which apparently sells obese trousers and one torch.

10 charity shop

I love how they’ve written ‘Rainbow’ in the Kellogg’s font.

Far be it from me to criticise, but shouldn’t the shop be called something other than ‘Bungle’s Charity Shop’? That’s implying all the money goes to Bungle, because Bungle needs your money. That’s technically charity after all, right? I think Bungle’s shop is a scam. I think Bungle is a scam.

Anyway, I see no one has bought the torch yet, because Geoffrey is the only customer. Pull your finger out Geoffrey, do you want to help poor starving Bungle or not? To be fair, Bungle could have set up an RNIB charity shop. (If you got that, congratulations for having read more than one of these stupid reviews.)

Geoffrey wants to buy some plates from the charity shop, because he’s just discovered all his plates are missing.

“Hello, have you got any plates?”

“Why yes sir I have!”

11 plates

“Hang on, these plates look familiar…”

“No they don’t. You’ve never seen them before, or I’ll smash them over your head.”

“Ok.”

“Hang on Geoffrey,” shouts George. “We’ve all got shops but you haven’t!”

Instead of replying “Fine if you don’t want any fucking customers”, Geoffrey goes “A ha! Wrong! That’s why I just bought some manky second hand plates from a charity shop! I’m running my own fast food stall!”

12 fast food

“Yes, Geoffrey’s Fast Food! See George, I’m not as dim as I look! This way, you’ll have to give me my money back if you want anything to eat today! And no lip, or I’ll jizz in your pop!”

The others don’t see Bungle thinking ‘But I already did that!’

“Oh Geoffrey!” they all laugh.

The end.

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