Hello. How are you? I am fine. Hoping this finds you as it leaves me. Recently the mister and I have been binge-watching Coronation Street from the 80s. If you’re wondering, this has been accompanied by lots of tea and lard – the food of my people. It has also been accompanied by a load of booze, because how else were we going to do really banging Mavis impressions?
Anyway, we watched so much Coronation Street that we came up with a shit drinking game, here for your perusal. The rules of the game are as follows – have a drink whenever any of the following occur. Alternatively, have a drink whenever you realise you’re sat there watching old Coronation Street on Youtube instead of making loads of money, which you should be doing at your age. Then cry a bit. Then eat lard, which makes everything better.
– Mike Baldwin orders a large scotch. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a large scotch.) Rita orders a vodka and tonic. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a vodka and tonic.) Emily Bishop orders a tomato juice. (Drink literally anything that isn’t tomato juice. Please.)
– People only ever refer to Billy Walker as “Billywalker”. Bonus drink if he even refers to himself as “Billywalker”. I presume his full name is ‘Billywalker Walker’.
– Mavis says “I DON’T REALLY KNOW!”. Fun fact 1 – she never fucking says this. Fun fact 2 – I think she does say this once. See if you can spot it (10 bonus drinks if spotted). Fun fact 3 – despite joining the Coronation Street cast in 2014, Les Dennis has never played Mavis.
– You find yourself saying – out loud – “I love Derek and Mavis. I want one.” At this point, also stop drinking.
– You see this fucking thing behind Rita:
Bonus drink if you find out where it went.
– Someone goes upstairs/on holiday and IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
– You really want to go into that mysterious back room in the Kabin, to buy all the ‘records’ and ‘videos’, because you’re sure they sell porn in there. On record. You’ve probably had quite a lot to drink by this point.
– Sally decides everything in the house is shit and only the finest 90s chintz covered in the opening credits from Saved By The Bell will scratch her itch.
– Ken refers to Mike Baldwin as “BALDWIN!”. Bonus drink if he successfully gets someone else to refer to him as “BALDWIN!”.
– You shout “No Rita!” at the TV throughout her entire relationship with Alan Bradley.
– You say “Oh we used to have that wall unit!”
– Someone asks for “a pint/a half/a packet of fags” without any other details. Bonus drink if all they say is “Hi Bet/Betty/Alec/Alan/Nigel” and somehow still end up with a drink/packet of fags.
– Anyone says “I’ll get this Betty”. Also go next door and offer to buy your neighbours a drink. I don’t care if they stay up all night playing drum n bass and their door has frightening fist marks in it.
– A woman inexplicably throws herself at Ken, leading you to imagine what a Ken Barlow lap dance would be like, and what the accompanying music would be (for the record, we decided on the Shipping Forecast).
– Susan Baldwin (née Barlow) says “BROOD MARE”.
– Someone really wants to swear, but is forced to say “Bloomin ‘eck!”
– Someone gives Percy Sugden this look:
– Hilda and Stan Ogden remind you of my boyfriend’s parents (this might be a long shot).
– Someone makes an effigy of “BALDWIN!” and punches it. (This happens at least once.)
– Bet wears those earrings. You know the ones.
If you have any rules to add to this game, leave a comment. Unless it’s “drink whenever Vera brings down the wrath of God upon Jack like Samuel L fucking Jackson”, because we would all be dead by this point.