Well, who does wear short shorts? And when I say short, I mean ‘CAUTION – FLYING BALLS IN THIS AREA’.
The answer is, of course, the mighty Rod. Shame on you if you said Bungle. We all know Bungle’s balls are allowed to flap around in the breeze, just like nature intended.
But why is Rod wearing the hottest of hotpants? Because the gang have decided to host the Olympics in their back garden, that’s why.
Let’s begin. Geoffrey is busy making sashes that will separate the pro athletes from Bungle and Jane’s team.
“Hang on,” thinks Geoffrey. “How can Zippy and George do the egg and spoon race when they have a grand total of no legs between them? Oh sod it, let them worry about that. We all have disabilities. Jane’s a woman.”
Meanwhile, Zippy is trying to psyche George out ahead of their egg and spoon battle.
“Look George, look at my mighty egg!”
“Huh,” replies George. “How is your egg any different from my egg?”
“Because,” says Zippy, “I’ll smash your face in if you win.”
Rod and Freddy arrive, carrying a length of rope for the tug of war/to hang themselves with. Rod’s majesty is hidden behind the counter for now.
While Geoffrey is explaining about the Olympics they’ve all decided to have, Bungle gets into one of his ‘Oh fucking hell, I’m 43 years old and I’m Bungle for a living’ moods. He does this once an episode.
“Never mind Bungle,” says Geoffrey. “Look, here’s your blue sash of shame.”
I’m not sure why they even need those sashes. There are only seven people in attendance, and six of those people are competing. They probably know which team they’re on without wearing crepe paper.
Geoffrey blows his whistle to show us how he starts a race, and Bungle shits his non-existent pants.
“Don’t do that, you made me jump!”
“You’re not supposed to jump, you’re supposed to fucking run you idiot. I should have used my starting pistol, what bantz.”
At this point, you might be wondering ‘But where are Rod’s mighty balls?’ Soon. But first, we see Zippy preparing to cheat in the egg and spoon race by using a quail’s egg in a ladle. Where did he get a quail’s egg?
“That’s not fair!” whines George. It doesn’t occur to George that he could use a peanut in a bucket to even things up.
Finally, the sports day can begin! Right after Rod, Jane and Freddy’s big musical number:
I think Rod’s socks are actually longer than his shorts. Look how proud he is. Not sure what Geoffrey’s doing.
Highlights of the big musical number:
Rod’s shorts manage to get shorter:
Geoffrey cops an accidental feel:
Close up – at this point Rod might as well be doing a lap dance:
And finally, Bungle sees something he really didn’t want to see:
Amazingly, no one’s traumatised, so they’re still able to do their shit Olympics.
First is the obstacle race. The obstacles are as follows:
Stand on some paper plates
Put a hoop over yourself
Throw some balls into a bucket six inches away
And they still bollocks it up. Jane manages to fall over. Rod, obviously, is bossing it.
“I’ve got the breeze on my balls and I give no fucks.”
Bungle and Jane win the obstacle race despite also being their own obstacles. Bungle has a late surge and comes from behind, and I think we’re supposed to learn that being shit doesn’t stop you not being shit, or something.
Next is the egg and spoon race. Zippy’s boasting about how he’s going to win. I suspect the opposite is going to happen.
To no one’s surprise, George wins. However, he only wins by being a big cheating cheater, and sticking his egg to his spoon.
I think the lesson here is that, even if you’re shit, you can still win by cheating.
Zippy calls for adjudication. Geoffrey laughs. Nothing is done about George’s cheating. If that had been Zippy he’d have been banned for six matches.
Let’s move on before I get angry and start emailing whoever it is that’s in charge of the Olympics. North Korea? Anyway, it’s time for the tug of war!
In this very special episode, you’ll notice that, for the only time ever, Bungle is wearing more clothes than Rod.
“Tug of war? More like ‘Pull my knob’, am I right lads?” says Rod.
The red team win. You’d think Rod had just won the world championship.
But hang on, because Bungle has a plan. “Look boys and girls,” he says. “Here’s how you can cheat at stuff. Again.”
Instead of just going “Oh, Bungle’s tied the rope to the door”, the others are amazed at his sudden burst of inhuman strength. Apart from Rod, who has better things to do, like showing off his legs.
Bungle gets rumbled when he forgets to hold the rope because he’s a fucking div. “Oh Bungle, you fucking div!” they all cry happily.
And here our sports day comes to a close. Adding up the totals, I think the blue team won, and society lost.