Today we’re looking at an episode featuring everyone’s favourite auntie – Auntie! I’m not sure whose auntie she is, but she must be somebody’s, because she does auntie things like saying “Hello, I’m Auntie.” Now I’m going to stop writing that word for a bit because I’ve written it too much and it’s started to look all funny and wrong.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. This episode is also about losing your job at the shoe shop, which is something all 3 year olds have experienced at some point.
Can you guess who’s lost their job at the shoe shop? Well, it’s not Geoffrey because he doesn’t appear to have a job, apart from occasionally looking at some papers on a clipboard and going “oh dear”. It’s probably not Zippy or George, because they don’t have feet, and would be mediocre at best when it comes to singing the praises of slingbacks. And it’s not Bungle, because we’ve met Bungle, come on.
If you’re still reading this and you’re an idiot, I’ll reveal the answer shortly. But first, Bungle, Zippy and George are playing ‘dog doctor’.
They’re not playing ‘vet’, because they don’t know the word ‘vet’, because they’re 3. This adds weight to my theory that they don’t work at Freeman Hardy Willis.
“I like looking after animals” says George.
“That’s good,” says Geoffrey, “because I want you to come and help me look after Auntie.”
Shame on you Geoffrey, for saying that in my imagination.
“What’s wrong with Auntie?” they ask.
“Well,” says Geoffrey, “I’m afraid she’s lost her job.”
Zippy and George are aghast and full of sympathy for poor Auntie. Bungle, as usual, is thinking ‘I wonder if I could eat my own face?’
Also, it’s Auntie who’s lost her job at the shoe shop. Spoiler alert.
“But why doesn’t she just get another job?” asks Zippy.
“Because she only got that one by sleeping with the owner,” says Geoffrey. “And anyway, there aren’t enough jobs to go round.” He then starts reading from the Lib Dem manifesto, if the Lib Dems were a thing back then, I don’t think they were.
Bungle stops thinking about eating his own face for a minute and says “Do you think Auntie would like my pocket money?” That’s nice of Bungle. Ignore the fact that he’s pointing to his cock when he says this.
“That’s very kind of you Bungle,” says Geoffrey, “but I think Auntie can manage without your 4p. You idiot.”
The gang get ready and go off to Auntie’s. IN THE CAR!
I don’t know where they got this car. Normally they get the bus everywhere. Geoffrey must have won the Pools if he can suddenly afford a convertible. I think Geoffrey should sell the car and give the money to Auntie – “£600 ONO, one careful owner, ignore the bear shit on the back seat.”
“Geoffrey, are you listening?” says Bungle. “Jenny says you should sell the car and give the money to Auntie.”
“Well she can mind her own fucking business can’t she?” says Geoffrey. “We’re not selling the car, but I tell you what, we’ll swing by the cemetery and swipe some flowers for her.”
Auntie loves the flowers, so all is well. Geoffrey looks pleased with himself.
Since Auntie lost her job, she’s become poor and destitute. This is demonstrated by the fact that she only has Rich Tea biscuits. She’s probably saving the gruel for tea.
“How are you keeping Auntie?” asks Geoffrey.
“Well, I’m not feeling too clever since I sold one of my livers to pay the gas bill,” replies Auntie.
“Yeah well you’ve got to spend brass to make brass,” says Geoffrey.
“What does that even mean?” says Zippy.
“Shut up and eat your gruel,” says Geoffrey.
After lunch, Auntie is going to take them to the park! Well, after lunch and after we abruptly cut to Rod, Jane and Freddy with no warning.
“Some days make you feel so bad,
Some days make you wish you were dead,
When you’re dole scum, on the dole, ooh yeah!”
Rod is singing this with barely concealed glee. He must have beef with Auntie.
After the smashing musical interlude, Auntie talks about all the different ways you can get a job.
I see what they’re doing here. Auntie hasn’t lost her job at all – this is all a ruse to shame those three into getting jobs and paying their way.
“You get a job by going to the job centre – cough – George – or you could look in the paper – cough – Zippy – or you could sleep with the owner of a shoe shop – cough – Bungle.”
“But I’ve got a job!” says George.
“Oh George,” says Auntie. “Lifestyle vlogger isn’t a job and you know it.”
Failing to take the hint, Bungle, George and Zippy get the newspaper out and start trying to find a job for Auntie.
“Hmm, sandwich artist?”
“Peripatetic Avon operative?”
“Front-line public sanitation technician?”
“MAKE £££s TODAY WITH THIS 1 EASY TRICK!?”
Auntie comes back in wearing a tracksuit. We learn that since Auntie’s been out of work, she’s taken up jogging, and she has jogging clothes and everything. Zippy and George are suitably impressed by this. Bungle, once again, is wondering if he can eat his own face.
Auntie’s new hobby somehow means that the others have to immediately start jogging too. Even Zippy and George, who have no legs or genitals.
“Come on, we’re going to jog to the park, then we’re going to jog round the park, and then we’re going to jog back here, and I’m going to shoot whoever gets here last!” They jog away as the credits roll, and we never get to find out who Auntie shot. My money’s on Bungle, just to put him out of his misery.
Well, what have we learned today? We’ve learned how to get a job, and also that there are no jobs, except that there are some jobs in the paper, but there are still no jobs, and that sleeping with the owner of a shoe shop doesn’t guarantee a job for life. And that Auntie has a gun and used it to shoot Bungle.