You know what every little girl wants? They want to be taught the finer points of creating a fucking Tinder profile. Someone has finally decided to address this issue in handy game form, and the result is ‘Princess Tinder Wars’.
I’m not sure this game is official canon.
Right then, let’s set the scene, because this game is keen on its world building. Elsa, Moana and Cinderella are sitting around in the nud, because that’s what they do when they aren’t princessing.
“Hey, let’s see who can fuck the most guys!” they exclaim as one. Moana doesn’t even have a phone, so I’m not sure why she gives a shit.
Still, it’s probably just a translation error, right? I mean, no one would make a game for kids where you have to set up a Tinder profile and then get more sex than everyone else, right? Right?
Oh well, I guess this is what I’m doing today.
I tried to pick Cinderella, because I’ve at least seen her film, but no – you have to set up the Tinder profiles for all three of them. Then, presumably, one of them will get the most sex, and they’ll be declared the winner. So no matter what you do, you win. Although let’s face it, you really lose.
Onwards and downwards. Let’s do Elsa’s profile.
“Let’s do Elsa from Frozen’s Tinder profile.” What have I become.
First, you have to choose three pictures. I’m going to give this game the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re not just screenshots from Pornhub, but I wouldn’t put money on that. For this reason, I don’t really want to click on “animal lover”.
For some reason, there’s an option to make Elsa super morbidly obese and crying, so that’s what I did. I know what gets men going.
The other options aren’t nearly as interesting – there’s some dress up shit, and the “I have talents” section, which is you stick a musical instrument next to their head. That section had so much promise as well.
Then you have to write a sexy and alluring Tinder profile. Here is what I did:
I think you’ll agree that I’m going to win this one player game where I play as all the characters.
Once Elsa’s profile is done she fucks off, presumably to lie there with her legs round her head awaiting further instructions. So let’s do Moana’s and Cinderella’s profiles.
Not sure why Cinderella is sucking a huge rainbow dong.
Ok, it’s the moment of truth! Let’s see which of our princesses got the most prince cock.
I think Cinderella won, hooray! 892 – I bet she needs a cup of tea now.
And that’s it, we beat the game! You can replay if you want. I’m probably not going to play again if I’m honest.
There is also an option to share your winning profile to your Facebook. I expect lots of people do that.
Well, what have we learned today? I don’t know about you, but I learned that this game is a thing that exists, and I can’t decide if we’re all better people for it or not. Answers on a postcard.