Rainbow episode review: Dances With Bungles

Hello. This episode is all about whose turn it is to have a go on Dawn.

I will say, in my defence, that Alex suggested this review be called ‘Breaking Dawn’. I said no, as that was a bad thing to suggest. Shame on you Alex.

To be fair, the reason he suggested that is because he saw this screenshot:

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It probably won’t surprise you to learn that they don’t really want to do three way bumming with her, since this is an episode of Rainbow. What they do want to do is dance with her. Well, Geoffrey does. Bungle wants to do anything he can get away with, but only if Dawn will agree to wear a Jane mask, and will pretend to be Jane, while also calling Bungle Jane, because that’s how my headcanon works. Did I mention I’m having some weird side effects off these new pills?

Geoffrey and Bungle both try to have the first go on Dawn. Dawn thinks for a minute:

“Now then, who do I want to dance with? The man wearing clothes or the man in the bear suit who keeps calling me Jane and himself Jane while rubbing his area?”

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Luckily Geoffrey steps in, and Dawn dances with him. Don’t get too comfortable Dawn – Bungle is lurking.

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Meanwhile, Zippy and George plan to hide a rubber spider under the story book, to make Geoffrey shit his pants. How this is related to any of the previous scenes has escaped me for now.

Zippy, quite rightly, claims credit for the idea. George starts complaining like a great big woman:

“Check your privilege Zippy you cis white male – I demand that we take turns on this idea, because that’s what this episode is about!”

“Tell you what George, it’s your turn to be a twat, how about that?”

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Right, Bungle’s fucking had enough of not having a go on Dawn. “Shut up Dawn, I don’t care that your limbs don’t bend that way.”

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After that huge bit of plot, we discover that it’s George’s turn to be a big pube.

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“Hey guess what Zippy?”

“Zippy.”

“Zippy.”

“Zippy, guess what?”

“GEORGE IF YOU SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN ‘GEORGE IS ABOUT TO GET MURDERED, UP THE ARSE’, YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG.”

“Actually it’s your turn to do the dusting.”

Zippy twats George so hard with the duster that bits fly off. Off the duster, not off George.

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They figure out that actually it’s Bungle’s turn to do the dusting. Little do they know that Bungle’s busy with Geoffrey and Dawn, in that massive room they sometimes have when it’s convenient.

Speaking of which – now it’s Geoffrey’s turn to have a go on Dawn. He accidentally has a go on Bungle instead.

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Seriously, these pills made me fall asleep in a plate of curry the other day.

Now – remember how Zippy, all on his own, thought to hide a spider under the story book? And how George didn’t think of it because he’s a great big knobhead? That bit of plot comes into play here.

“Hey Geoffrey, let’s have a story! NOTHING CAN GO WRONG.”

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Geoffrey checks his watch. “Oh shit no, because it’s time to have tea! As you know Zippy, if we don’t have tea at exactly 7 minutes past 5, we all die.”

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Geoffrey doesn’t suspect a thing about Zippy’s trick, not with the story book lying so flat and inconspicuous like that.

“It’s my turn to make tea!” yells Dawn.

Why is it Dawn’s turn to make tea? She doesn’t live there. She doesn’t even live in the kitchen like Rod Jane and Freddy. Anyway, Dawn’s version of tea probably involves Bossa Nova buttons on toast.

Remember how this episode is called ‘Zippy’s a fucking idiot’? Well, now the reasoning behind the title is revealed, as Zippy is hoisted by his own petard:

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Everyone laughs, because they are shits.

Do you remember that time Enya was on Top Of The Pops? That was weird.

Tea is ready in 3 seconds.

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“Now then, whose turn is it to have the last cake?”

What? Why do they have to take turns at all? Why not just buy more cakes? Is Geoffrey trying to teach them about communism?

“Dawn, what about you?”

“Oh no, I’m full.”

“Yeah, full of Bungle, am I right lads?”

After their communist tea, Geoffrey reads a story about Humpty Dumpty, who has a 5 o clock shadow, and that’s no way that’s his hat. I forget what else happens.

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After the story, Dawn just happens to have her keyboard set up in the living room. She tries to teach Bungle to play ‘London’s Burning’, despite the fact that A) that’s not a Bossa Nova song, and B) Bungle’s finger is bigger than that entire keyboard, so his efforts will be experimental at best.

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Bungle successfully presses two notes in the right order and declares himself to be Liberace.

“Ha ha, there’s no such word as can’t!”

Actually Bungle, there is. “can’t” is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as “Bungle’s relationship with playing the keyboard”.

“See Geoffrey? I can play ‘London’s Burning’ and you can’t! How do you like them apples?”

“Yes well done Bungle. You play that while I fuck Dawn. Again.”

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Well, that’s the end of today’s gripping and informative episode, in which we learned that it’s someone’s turn to do something. Probably mine.

Well?

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