Corner Shop Crap: My Lovely Horse

Lads, oh my god:


I’ve always wanted a horse, but I can’t get one because I live in a first floor flat. And now you tell me I can just make one? This is smashing news. I’ll be able to ride it round, and give it carrots, and do whatever else it is you do with horses. Polish it maybe.

My horse is going to be called Alan. Alan Horse. That’s a good name. I wish I was called Alan Horse.

Ok, let’s see how they’ve managed to fit all the horse bits in this box.

back of box

Oh wait, it’s not a real horse? Shit. I thought the front of the box was just an artist’s impression. While this is undoubtedly a blow, I won’t be deterred.

Ok, let’s see what we’ve got in here…


Okey dokey. We have:

  • a tub of brown
  • a tub of orange and white
  • two and a half eyes
  • some stick things
  • instructions

Right, I’m all over this. My horse is going to be the best horse ever. Let’s have a look at these instructions.


Wait who made these fucking instructions, NASA? The box says this isn’t suitable for ages 0-3, but it doesn’t say anything about if you’re 34 and a bit stupid. I had expected the instructions to just be “make some horse bits out of the play doh stuff” and then “stick the horse bits together”. There’s all kinds of artisan shit and wizardry involved with this.

No, bollocks to it, I’ll be great at this, and my horse will be amazing. Hang on while I work my creative magic…


Ok, turns out making a horse from scratch is harder than I thought.



In my defence, he only has three legs because I ran out of brown, so that’s not my fault. I thought the box horse looked a bit miserable, so I made mine smiley. And I never used that weird flat tool at all, so I don’t know what that was for.

Also in my defence, I did my fucking best ok? What do you want, blood?

He won’t stand up.

After I was finished, I realised I had a load of orange and white left over, and I’m not really sure why. But waste not want not – I made a weird carrot guy thing.

carrot dude

I think I’m going to call the carrot guy Jared, because it nearly rhymes with carrot, a bit. I bet Jared and Alan are going to gallop round the world having adventures. Well, maybe not gallop, on account of how neither of them can stand up.

Anyway, this kit – 10/10, would definitely recommend.

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