Here’s the latest addition to my happy family, Mr Hero Fighter:

I’m confused. Is this guy a hero that happens to do fighting, or does he fight heroes? Are we supposed to be the bad guys here? I doubt it, for three reasons:

1) The packaging specifically orders you to “save the world”. You wouldn’t do that if you were the bad guy. I think you’re supposed to do this using your special light. Maybe you threaten the bad guys in Morse Code.

2) No bad guy would have the confidence to rock up in a Power Rangers cosplay that he’s just painted onto his body.

3) I’m lovely.

I haven’t tested the special hero light yet, but I’m willing to bet a quid that it doesn’t fucking work.

Ok, I feel bad about writing that. For all I know the light works brilliantly, and will surely blind your enemies into submission. I wasn’t going to take it out of the packet yet, but let’s be honest here – what’s it going to do, go up in value?

I DON’T THINK PEOPLE’S ARMS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT:

His arms are upsetting me. As is the rest of him. He also appears to have a designated weapon holding hand, but since no weapon is provided, we have to assume that hand is for doing ‘wanker’ signs at your enemies.

Ok, are you ready to be blinded by Hero Fighter’s heroic fighting light?

Fuck yeah.

If you’re considering buying your own Hero Fighter, please remember be aware that you are not allowed to throw this product away, as this will upset babies.

Now then. I’m not going to call him Alan, because I already have quite a lot of stuff called Alan and it’s getting confusing. Unless you guys can think of a better name in the comments, I’m going to call him Danny Dyer.