You know what kids love? Lanolin and hexachlorophene. I know I did when I was a kid, which is why I spent so much time in the bath whenever my parents bought Matey.
I’m a sucker for novelty bubble baths, which is a shame because now I’m 34, I have to use things like ‘lettuce and pinecone scrub-me-down’. Joke’s on them though – I still buy Matey. Being an adult can sod off.
I’ve just got why Matey was originally a sailor bottle. After 34 years.
I’m not sure any living human knows exactly how many different Matey bottles there have been over the years; I’d guess at somewhere around 2 billion. Every time I think I’ve seen all the characters, a new one pops up. I’d put money on there being ‘gynaecologist’ and ‘Isis’ Matey bottles knocking around somewhere on Ebay.
The 1970s Matey advert makes it sound even more interesting:
From what I can gather, you just put your kids in the bath, and Matey somehow dissolves all the dirt off them, and off your bath. Also it takes the enamel off your bath. I don’t remember that happening to me.
Anyway, here are some of the Matey bottles I’ve found on my internet travels…
Easily the most HILARIOUS of all the Mateys. I also think this must have been around in the late 80s/early 90s, because I’m sure I remember that bottle shape. Although, it does also have the 1970s ‘sad and utilitarian’ aura about it. What am I talking about.
Did they ever make a Matey cartoon or anything? If they didn’t, they missed a golden opportunity, especially since they have a ready made ‘woman one’ right here. Throughout Matey’s history, there always seems to have been a princess or equivalent pink one for girls. I have a theory about this: most Mateys are aimed at boys, because boys smell and must be encouraged to have a wash. Girls do not smell, except of roses and violets. And Matey.
Robot Matey (M8E)
Robots are the best. I fucking love robots. Who doesn’t? And not only a robot, but a space goddamn robot. Matey knew their audience.
I had to look several times before I realised the robot didn’t just have an MBE. I thought that didn’t sound right.
My God, imagine getting to have a bath with Santa Matey. Not only would that mean novelty bubble bath, it would also mean it was Christmas. I bet I had this one Christmas, but now my brain’s blocked it out because it was too exciting.
Sticking with the winter theme, we have –
Clearly a more modern bottle than Santa, I’m not a huge fan; there seems to be something unsettling about his face. He seems to have been frozen with a ray gun, just as he was about to say something really interesting. That’s probably just me though.
Snorky Monster Slime Matey
Hands up who thinks this is going to smell of Pickled Onion Monster Munch? I would have replaced the words ‘mild and gentle’ with ‘deadly and terrifying’. You know, monsters and all that. And if people couldn’t figure out it was a joke, then they didn’t deserve to have any Matey.
Princess Sparkle Matey
If anyone had this as a kid, could you please answer the following questions:
1) Did it have bits of glitter in it?
2) Did the glitter stick to you for days after your bath?
3) Did your dad ever accidentally have a bath in it, and then have to go to work covered in glitter?
I hope so.
With, if you please, MAGIC COLOUR CHANGING BUBBLE BATH. I don’t remember ever having this; perhaps my parents didn’t want me messing with the occult. I would have killed for this. Killed.
Related, but a lot more badass – for experienced magic bubble bath users only:
Featuring a dragon that I at first thought was a badly drawn Edd the Duck. That’s not a slight on the artist, I think I just need to find my glasses.
Did anyone have this? Did it change from red to green, or from green to red? Let me know – I’m going for green to red.
What a brilliant idea – literally a giant bottle. For once I am not being sarcastic.
I wonder how big the giant bottle actually was. In my opinion, in order to deserve the title ‘giant’, the bottle would have to be at least 4ft tall. In reality, it was probably just an extra 100ml. Booooo.
I’ve got some shit on RedBubble if you’re interested. Remember, I never said it was any good.