The moral of today’s episode is ‘Why do something when you can get someone else to do it for you?’ Also, Geoffrey’s shirt. Fucking hell lads.
We begin pleasantly enough. Bungle, Zippy and George have trashed the living room with their clutter and bullshit. We’ll get to that, but first I must show you the shirt, so we all know what we’re dealing with:
As if Geoffrey owns an even better shirt than his Saved By The Bell opening credits one.
Geoffrey informs the others that “Have you forgotten? We’re going swimming? We need to hurry up!”
Why? Do they have a swimming appointment? Don’t you normally just turn up? That’s what we do. Or is there a special ‘animals only’ hour at their leisure centre?
The last time we went swimming, a kid did a shit in the pool and we all had to get out.
Geoffrey instructs the others to find their Speedos. The phone rings, and Geoffrey goes to answer it. Bungle cowers in fear as Geoffrey’s arse gets up in his face.
“I said I’d do WHAT? Help you? That doesn’t sound like me…”
“When did I say that? OH FUCK, I must have been lying…”
Apparently, Geoffrey has agreed to build a rocket for a children’s party. We never find out exactly why he’s agreed to do this, or why they wanted Geoffrey to do it in the first place, or why the children aren’t all just going to McDonalds and Laser Quest.
“Lads, bad news. We can’t go swimming, because I apparently said I’d make a life size, functioning rocket out of cardboard.”
“Why did you agree to do that?”
“Well I’d had a few cans, you know what it’s like. Anyway, have you seen my shirt?”
“Fucking hell Geoffrey,” they all moan. “It’s a good job you didn’t agree to do anything else.”
Geoffrey remembers the other suff he’s agreed to do.
For now, though they must focus on the problem of the rocket, the main problem being that they don’t know how to make a rocket out of cardboard. Geoffrey suggests leaving the country. The gang aren’t keen on this. Bungle suggests just buying the kids a real rocket. The gang aren’t keen on Bungle. Then they have a brainwave –
“Of course – why not make Gabrielle do it? She owes us a tenner!”
Geoffrey gets straight on the phone to Gabrielle and orders her to come and make them a rocket. While they’re waiting for Gabrielle to arrive, they get to work making some space in the living room. There’s an armchair that’s never been there before. Why do they suddenly have an armchair? Normally they have to perch on stools like poor people. Also, the chair has an accidental cock and balls on it.
Gabrielle arrives five minutes later, along with a load of pre-prepared rocket parts she must have had lying around in case someone needed to make a rocket really urgently.
Fun fact: The make-and-do whizz Gabrielle Bradshaw keeps appearing when I’m watching QVC. I mean she appears on the programme, not in my living room.
Gabrielle has painted the rocket parts with poster paint. Whatever happened to poster paint? You never see it after you stop having to use it at primary school. It had a very distinctive smell, as I recall.
“Now the children will be able to pretend they’re flying in space!”
Not if I know kids. More likely, one of them will immediately do a piss in the rocket, and then they’ll all start crying.
Speaking of which, Zippy immediately gets into the rocket. if he can’t piss in the swimming pool, he’s going to piss in the rocket. The top of the rocket looks really bored.
Now that Geoffrey has successfully conned Gabrielle into doing his work for him, the gang are free to go swimming. Zippy wants to go to the swimming baths in the rocket, but he remembers just in time that he needs Geoffrey to go with him, because he’s 3.
“There’s no room for me in the rocket Zippy, I shall have to go by bus!”
“Not so fast,” says Gabrielle. “Look what I made for you!”
Gabrielle has also made a “space backpack”, only she forgot about it until just now.
Geoffrey: “That’s very good Gabrielle! Now let’s all go catch the bus.”
Gabrielle: “What do you mean ‘catch the bus’? I told you, I’ve made you a space backpack!”
Geoffrey: “Yes it’s great Gabrielle, but it won’t actually make me fly.”
Gabrielle: *pulls out gun* “I said, I’ve made you a space backpack. AND I’ve made you a space hat.”
“Just do what she says,” hisses Zippy.
“Isn’t there one for me?” asks Bungle.
“No sorry Bungle, I couldn’t find enough cardboard in the world to cover your fat head.”
“Right,” says Geoffrey, box still on head. “Come on, we need to get to the swimming pool!”
“Wait a minute, I haven’t got my swimming trunks!” says Zippy.
“Sorry Zippy, there’s no time!” replies Geoffrey. Wait, you don’t have a spare 20 seconds for Zippy to get his trunks, and are going to make him go in the pool naked, but you have plenty of time to stand there with a cardboard box on your head? It’s a good job you have that shirt on Geoffrey, otherwise we’d be having words.
And here the guys leave us for another episode. I feel we’re all better people for having learned how to make a rocket out of cardboard. At the very least, we’ve learned how to make someone else make us a rocket out of cardboard, and that’s always important.
That shirt. I love that shirt so much.
Carl and Craig, thank you for the donations, you are lovely people.