I was going to write this last night, but I ended up playing The Deadly Tower Of Monsters instead. Do not judge me. Anyway, last year I inherited some old issues of Woman, Woman’s Own, Women’s Realm, Woman’s Wank etc. Because I am such a go-getter, they’ve been in the boot of the car for months. Now I’ve remembered to get them out of the car, I’ve discovered a treasure trove of people and companies trying to sell your their shit.

I can’t really figure out how to categorise these adverts, so I’ll just put up a random bunch at a time. For part 1, are you ready to collect thimbles and hear what Margaret Powell says about chicken? Me neither. Let’s go!

EPSON MFP image

I turn to drink regularly, but not because I’m off my food. Sadly, I’m never off my food. Therefore, I shall never require the services of milk with this weird powder in it that “wheatens food in the cup”, whatever the hell that means.

Moving on…

EPSON MFP image

Do you have a load of piss and shit filled kids running round your house yelling? Well that’s your own stupid fault. Alternatively, Kelloggs has come up with a load of rice krispies themed activities to keep your young charges busy in the Easter holidays. And by loads, I mean 4. “eating rice krispies” doesn’t count. I dare any modern parent to take away their kid’s iPad and say “Why not make some hats for your eggs instead?” Actually, definitely do that, it’ll be funny.

Next up, we have STRETCH COVER VALUES!

EPSON MFP image

This advert is made interesting by the lady draped over the back of her new STRETCH COVER:

EPSON MFP image

Is she that into loose covers, or has she just died? I genuinely can’t tell.

If she is dead, what she needs is Phillips Tonic Yeast:

EPSON MFP image

Eeew. Although it does stop you being dead, so that’s pretty good I suppose. Wait, isn’t that the STRETCH COVERS lady? It bloody is. And that proves that it raises the dead.

For our intermission, I present to you – page 43 of Woman’s Weekly from 1978:

EPSON MFP image

Would it have killed them to just stick a nice photo of The New Seekers in there? Or even just a cock and balls in biro?

Right, it’s time to find out what Margaret Powell thinks about chicken:

EPSON MFP image

If she loves that chicken so much, why is she sitting so far away from it? Who is Margaret Powell anyway? Is she the chicken equivalent of Eileen Bilton from the Warrington-Runcorn adverts?

And speaking of people telling us what to do…

EPSON MFP image

If Gareth Hunt says you like new Nescafe, you better start liking new Nescafe, got that?

Are any of the other people famous? My favourite is Hester Smallbone. I like to think she’s a motorbike daredevil or something.

Now for the exciting world of thimble collecting!

EPSON MFP image

I bet readers couldn’t believe their luck on being invited to join the thimble collecting equivalent of the Freemasons. Please note that this is for discerning collectors only – none of your riff raff who only have one or two thimbles. This club is exclusive, after all. I hope you get a badge when you join this club.

To finish, a good old classic:

EPSON MFP image

You know, because Vagisil is always funny.

That’s it for part 1 – do check back for part 2, where I’ll be discussing the myserious world of the “Biorhythm Hotline”…

Andrew, Martin, Leanne, thank you so much for your donations you smashing people. If anyone wants to donate a quid to help keep the site going, there’s a Donate button at the top of the page (or scroll down if you’re on mobile). Your donations really mean a lot, and will be used to buy more old shit to write about.

3 thoughts on “Vintage magazine adverts part 1: stretch covers and raising the dead

Well?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s