Hello, today we’re going to be learning all about car boot sales. A car boot sale, if you’ve never been to one, is where you go to buy 10 lighters for a quid, copies of The Da Vinci Code, and second hand foot spas. For some reason, it’s usually necessary for this to be done at 5.30am.
Geoffrey has somehow managed to get his car through their garden gate. I imagine there’s now a smouldering pile of bricks where the garden wall used to be.
“Hello!” he yells, like a psychopath who’s just driven his car through a wall. “Today we’re going to have a car boot sale! Car boot sale! That sounds funny doesn’t it! Cars don’t wear boots, they have wheels!” Stop having a nervous breakdown Geoffrey, I don’t like it.
Cars might not wear boots, but Geoffrey does – ladies’ wellies by the looks of it. Anyway, the reason he’s driven his car through the wall like Mr T is because the car boot sale is going to be held in their garden. Excuse me, how big is their bastard garden? That one Mini seems to be taking up most of it.
But why are you holding a car boot sale in your garden Geoffrey?
“Well, with all the money we make, we’re going to buy food for children in Africa and other countries where they don’t have enough food.”
“Africa and other countries”
“and other countries”
My poor sides.
Meanwhile, Bungle and Zippy are acquiring a bunch of shit to sell. Instead of just selling Bungle like he should, Geoffrey has allowed them to contribute handmade objets d’art, implying anyone would pay money for a cotton wool snowman, or whatever the fuck Bungle’s doing.
Geoffrey comes in to see how they’re getting on. “Right, let’s sort out some of this rubbish shall we?” Sadly he’s not talking about Bungle and Zippy’s crafts.
The fucking state of that snowman.
“Will you help me with my snowman Geoffrey?”
Geoffrey helps. This is the result:
Bungle’s mystery make turns out to be a poster to advertise their car boot sale. I’m going to put money on them just putting the poster up in their garden, because they don’t know how advertising works.
However, Bungle doesn’t know how to write (I guess he’s 3 in this episode then), so Geoffrey helps again.
Great job lads.
A ha, I think I might have spotted an upcoming plot twist. After the others have gone out to the garden, George comes in, looking around for stuff to sell. Readers will please note that Geoffrey took his ladies’ wellies off earlier, and has placed them on the table, looking very sellable indeed. Does this count as a Chekhov’s Gun?
Also, what the fuck is that black scribble on the wall? It’s either ‘Despair’, or ‘Bungle’.
George, quite logically, deduces from the cars and the boots on the table that a car boot sale is where you sell cars and boots, so he takes them. There’s actually nothing wrong with this conclusion, so I can’t really mock George for it. I still will though. George, you fucking idiot.
Ok, the poster isn’t technically in the garden, but it might as well be up Bungle’s arse for all the good it’s going to do.
Also – THE WALL IS STILL INTACT. HOW DID GEOFFREY GET THAT CAR IN THE GARDEN.
“What time does the sale start Geoffrey?”
“And what time is it now?”
“I don’t know, I can’t actually tell the time. Let’s go with 5 o’clock.”
PLOT TWIST TIME. Zippy and Geoffrey go back inside to sort through their crap, and Zippy notices his cars have gone. Then Jane comes in (she’s presumably been standing in the hall since last night) and says…
“Geoffrey, have you seen my boots?”
“Your boots? I thought they were my boots.”
“Geoffrey, are you lying?”
“Have you been wearing my boots Geoffrey?”
“Is that another lie?”
“I don’t know where your boots are Jane, but if it’s muddy outside I’d better put my boots on. But where are they? They were on the table!”
Wait, hang on, I’m confused. Those ladies’ wellies actually are Geoffrey’s?
1. Why does Geoffrey own a pair of ladies’ wellies?
2. Where are Jane’s boots?
3. Why does Jane think her boots are going to be in the Rainbow house, when she doesn’t live there?
4. HOW DID HE GET THAT CAR IN THE GARDEN.
Never mind that now, because it’s nearly time for the car boot sale to start! Look at all the great stuff they’re selling:
Rod and Freddy arrive, along with Thomas the Tank Engine from the Threads universe:
“How much will I get for this tanktop?” asks Freddy?
“30p,” says Jane. “It’s nearly new, you haven’t worn it!” I know it’s the 80s, but I’m pretty sure a brand new tanktop would have cost significantly more than ‘just over 30p’.
Zippy, with a much better grasp of finance, wants to sell his snowman for 50 quid. This causes Geoffrey and Rod to turn and look at him in amazement. Look at Rod’s high trousers.
Now then, remember the plot twist from earlier? I think this hilarious comedy of errors is about to be resolved – George turns up with all the stuff he’s stolen:
The others all have a go at him and call him a twat. George tries to wriggle out of it:
“Well I didn’t know did I?”
No George, but you did know you weren’t supposed to just steal other people’s stuff and sell it.
Meanwhile, Freddy has found an old banjo in their box of crap. Rod and his high trousers come over to have a look at it.
I feel a song coming on. Probably one of the songs off their album ’31 Car Boot Themed Classics For Banjo’.
After the song (which was sadly just a song about a banjo), George has learned the error of his ways, and is selling his own boots to make up for it. He doesn’t use them much on account of he doesn’t have feet. Geoffrey makes a note of it on his notepad:
“George is a div I.D.S.T.”
It must be getting on for 4 o’clock now. I wonder if they’re going to get any customers?
A child actor appears, taking time off between PIFs.
“Hey, is this the Rainbow sale?” He yells.
“Use some manners you little scrotum,” replies Bungle.
“Geoffrey, all the people want to come in!” says Bungle. All the one people.
Before they open the sale, they just have time to erect Bungle’s contribution:
It’s an effigy of Zippy, which they will later burn.
Just kidding, it’s an effigy of Zippy, which they will throw stuff at, and then burn.
And now it’s time for the grand opening of the car boot sale! Where did all those people come from?
And this is where we leave the Rainbow gang for another day. I think the moral of today’s episode is “Africa and other countries”, which is always good to know.
Warren, thank you for your money, you’re smashing. I still can’t believe people are being kind enough to donate – it’s gone a long way towards hosting the site and other stuff, thanks again to everyone who’s donated so far.