This episode is so full of questions I don’t know where to begin. Questions raised include, but are not limited to, the following:
– Is George an orphan?
– How do you tell the sex of a zippy?
– Does Bungle get traumatised walking past Build A Bear?
– Dean Gaffney?
Zippy is going through a box of his old shit and bras. This includes one of Geoffrey’s socks, for reasons known only to Geoffrey. Maybe he was hiding it from the Russians. Zippy gets a really good look at the sock just to be sure.
Then Zippy finds an old photo of his grandma, which is in pristine condition despite having been crumpled up in that shoebox for the last five years. She’s in a weirdly sexy pose.
Eagle eyed readers will notice that Zippy’s grandma looks a lot like Zippy in a dress. Possibly zippys are unisex, and reproduce via spores.
Zippy shows the photo to George, who for once has entirely the correct reaction:
“Laugh at my grandmother again, I dare you,” says Zippy. “I’ll phone the dole and tell them about your window round.”
“That’s not your grandmother, it’s just you in a dress you fucking idiot” says George.
And speaking of idiots:
“What is a grandmother anyway?” asks Bungle.
“It’s a thousand mothers,” replies Geoffrey. “Seriously Bungle, do I have to draw you a fucking diagram?”
Geoffrey draws Bungle a diagram. “I hope this isn’t going to be like that time you wanted to know why Jane didn’t piss standing up like us.”
“Anyway, your photos are crap,” says Geoffrey. “What you really want to be looking at is my old photos, which I just happen to have here. Look, I have photos of when I was a baby, and that time I was in Z Cars.”
“I expect you’ve grown since you were a baby Geoffrey,” says George.
“No, I was born this size. My mother’s walked with a limp ever since.”
Now we move on to George’s thousands of relatives, which George has seen fit to stick to a piece of cardboard.
You know what? I’ve always wanted to use the ’tiled mosaic’ feature on WordPress. Now’s my chance!
That’s pretty nifty.
Right, serious academic discussion time. Where is George’s family now? Since he lives with Geoffrey, and apparently has done since he was a baby (since he’s still barely capable of wiping himself now), we have to assume his entire family is dead. But how? Someone on Twitter did suggest that George might be Bruce Wayne, and is hiding his true power level until he gets the chance to avenge his parents. OR – maybe his entire family just think he’s a bit annoying, and they all pretended to be dead to get rid of him.
Freddy comes in from the hall, where he lives.
“Hi Freddy, do you carry around a photo of you when you were a baby, like everyone apparently does?”
“No don’t be stupid, but I do have a photo of my son Dominic…”
Dominic is a lovely baby. I wanted to find out more about Dominic, so I went on Freddy’s Wikipedia page. Sadly, the only thing I found on there was the following information about Freddy…
I’ll be honest, this review isn’t panning out as I expected.
Freddy reads a story then goes back to the hall, where he lives. The story was about funny hats, which prompts Geoffrey to start talking about the old fashioned swimming costumes that poor oppressed ladies had to wear back in the day.
“But why on earth did they do that? And what were they doing in those huts?”
“Well, in those days, people were a little bit shy about changing in front of other people.”
“Wait, you mean they didn’t run round naked like us, with their flaps swinging in the breeze?”
“No Bungle. In fact, most people still don’t do that.”
Bungle, George and Zippy completely cannot process this information.
What’s Geoffrey even doing with this photo? I propose that Geoffrey has shoehorned this bit in to show Bungle that it’s OK to wear clothes. In fact, Geoffrey came up with this entire episode in order to convince Bungle to put some fucking pants on.
Dean Gaffney. I still can’t get over that.
Anyway, it must be time for Bungle’s family history now. This is a lot easier to figure out – Bungle’s family definitely did just get sick of him and pretended to all be dead one day.
“Hey Bungle, do you have any naked baby pictures?” asks Zippy.
“Yes I do, and you ain’t seeing them,” replies Bungle. “I don’t want you seeing my knob.” Implying there’s anyone left in the world who hasn’t seen Bungle’s knob.
This carries on for about five seconds, then Bungle gives in.
Bungle, that’s not how being a baby works you idiot. It’s not literally just a miniature version of the adult you.
Bungle also shows us a photo of his mother, but I shall skip it because I’m pretty sure you’ve all seen Bungle in a dress before.
“Where’s your dad?” asks George.
“I don’t know,” says Bungle. “I don’t remember ever seeing a photo of him…”
Geoffrey saves the day by loudly shouting “Hey look everyone! Look at this other picture of Bungle, that is completely unrelated to his deadbeat dad!”
For fuck’s sake Bungle, babies aren’t supposed to be terrifying either.
I know what you’re thinking – ‘I wish I could watch that photo play out in real life, in colour’.
I know what they were trying to do, but to be honest it just looks like Bungle’s had ten cans of Stella then shit himself.
I do think this qualifies as the episode where they’ve all worn the most clothes though, so that’s something.
We finish with Zippy taking a photo of everyone, including Rod and Jane, who weren’t even in this episode but heard all the commotion from the hall, where they live.
If you have any interesting headcanons regarding Rainbow family members, do let me know, because I’m fucked if I can figure it out. And please do remember the moral of today’s story, which is ‘Dean Gaffney’.