It’s time once again to delve into the murky underworld of questionable adverts aimed at housewives and the stupid. Today we have dead fish, cutlery by post, and some kind of Alex Salmond dog. Strap yourselves in lads…

1. The Biothythm Hotline

Have you got not enough biorhythms? Or too much biorhythms? Well this is the hotline for you! I think this is to do with getting health and XP. Other than that, I’m fucked if I know. It’s not as good as the Cones Hotline.

2. Fish on crap

None of this looks appealing. I’m biased because I hate ‘cole slaw’ with a passion. Admittedly, this isn’t the shit in mayonnaise that you have to walk past in Morrisons, but still. Who puts a whole dead fish, complete with its depressed face, onto a pile of grass and says “Right that’s dinner ready!” Serial killers, that’s who.

There’s a reason you won’t find this stuff “in any cookery book”.

3. Wat

Not an advert, but a warning to not let your magazines get creased.

4. A new fork every month

“Beat inflation” by not having any food for three months because you’re waiting for the bit of cutlery you need.

WHO DOES THIS.

I’ve just woken up, I don’t need this shit.

“Send no money”. You’re damn right I’ll send no money. I’ve already got more forks than I need, because I mostly eat with my hands while watching The Simpsons.

Great, now I’m angry at cutlery.

5. Twirly vagina lady

“Around and over and – you did it!”

Lady, that’s not how you insert a tampon. You’re just making it needlessly difficult for yourself.

And now for our intermission!

They’ve done it again. I told you guys last time – it would have been better to just draw a cock and balls in biro on that page.

This is an interesting one though, because the editors have gone “Listen lads, I know the instructions are missing and stuff, but I mean, it’s not rocket science is it? Just look at the picture, and then do that.”

That is not how that works. Admittedly, I don’t know what the finished thing is supposed to be, because I can’t find the accompanying picture. I wish I could, but unfortunately I’m too lazy to look. Instead, let’s just assume it’s this:

6. Terrifying clock

OK, three things:

1: That dog looks like Alex Salmond.

2: There’s no way this clock isn’t haunted.

3: That cat is having ‘Nam flashbacks.

7. Sanatogen says – “Why not get pissed?”

I’ve always wanted to know what tonic wine is; I keep seeing it in the supermarket, along with dusty bottles of grenadine. And now we know – it’s wine with iron in it. This qualifies it as a health food, which means it is exactly as good for you as eating kale and running.

I think there’s other stuff in tonic wine, like vitamins and, I dunno, bran flakes. Mostly wine though. In the interest of science, I should drink a bottle of tonic wine and see if I feel full of vitality and sunshine vitamins. I bet I don’t.

8. Win a family

To finish, we have what I think is a competition, where you decide which kids are theirs, like spot the ball with kids, and then you win those kids, and somehow sandwiches are involved.

This is my entry:

Also, why not print out the ‘5p off Shippams’ voucher and see if it still works? If they don’t let you use it, threaten to call the police. Say you know your rights. Say you don’t care that it’s Primark and they don’t sell Shippams sandwich spread.

Kirk, Andrew, Allison and Chris: thanks very much for the donations, you guys are smashing.