This episode is about trying to be funny and completely dying on your arse, which is obviously something I identify with. Anyway, let’s crack on before I get bored and start needing a piss.
Zippy is watching Ernie Wise on TV. Ernie tells a joke about some eggs, but I’m not going to write it down because I’d get it wrong. I’m very bad at jokes. Last night Alex spent an hour trying to teach me about Knock Knock jokes, but I always forget to say ‘Who’s there?’.
And one time I couldn’t figure out how to open a bin in a cafe. But apart from that, I am a total genius.
Anyway, Ernie Wise tells some lame jokes, and Zippy laughs himself to fucking death. I suppose they were limited to what jokes they could air on Rainbow; you’re probably not going to get Zippy telling the Aristocrats joke in this episode.
Geoffrey teleports into the room. Note his lack of joviality. This is because Geoffrey is a grown up, and only likes knob gags.
Why are there stickers all over that TV?
“That’s Ernie Wise, a very clever comedian,” explains Geoffrey.
“What’s a comedian?” asks Zippy.
“It’s someone who gets paid to stand there going ‘What’s that all about?’ Sometimes they do adverts,” says Geoffrey.
“Oh wow, a comedian, that’s what I want to be!” says Zippy.
“Zippy, how many times do I have to tell you – the realities of life will ultimately crush you. Now stop having dreams before I get cross.”
Zippy isn’t deterred, however. He’s decided that what he wants to do is tell stupid shit jokes for a living.
And speaking of stupid shit jokes:
Zippy tries out his comedy routine on his humourless colleagues.
“Hey Bungle, what do you call a stupid fat bear?”
“I don’t know, what do you call a stupid fat bear?”
“No, that’s the punchline.”
Zippy gives up on Bungle.
“Hey George, what do short sighted ghosts wear?”
George proves himself to be the king of ruining people’s jokes, by A) immediately spoiling the punchline, and B) having a prop ready in advance. I can only assume that George takes comedy props to bed with him every night, just in case he gets a chance to ruin someone’s joke.
If you don’t already know that punchline to that joke, I advise you to go away and think about your life choices thus far.
Then Bungle and George instantly go to sleep. Well I think Bungle’s asleep, he might be punching himself in the face.
Zippy continues to tell them jokes while they are asleep. This makes no difference to their appreciation of his jokes, so he gives up and goes to sleep.
Zippy dreams about an Opportunity Knocks rip-off called ‘Who’s A Lucky Person’, hosted by Geoffrey cosplaying as Lionel Blair.
Bungle and George make up the other contestants, because let’s face it, Zippy doesn’t know anyone else.
THIS IS BUNGLE’S ACT:
Even though this is all taking place in Zippy’s head, it’s still Bungle’s fault.
George plays the trumpet, but I’m going to skip past that because, like so many things George does, it’s boring.
Now it’s time for Zippy, the world famous comedian!
These are Zippy’s jokes:
1. What’s the difference between a dustbin and a letterbox? Well if you don’t know, I’m never going to ask you to post a letter.
2. What do birds eat for breakfast? Tweetabix and Shredded Tweet.
3. What do Eskimos call their money? Ice lolly.
On. His. Arse. To be fair, the audience are just bastards. Plus, they clapped for Bungle, which proves this is a fucking fix.
During the advert break, Zippy is in the pit of despair, also known as the contestants’ dressing room. Just as Zippy is beginning to lose hope, he hears a familiar voice:
“HI I’M ERNIE WISE!”
Why, it’s TV’s Ernie Wise! What’s he doing here in Zippy’s dressing room? Could it be that he saw Zippy’s act and wanted to drop in and help? Was he just passing?
“Oh Ernie Wise, you’re my favourite comedian!” (He’s the only comedian you’ve ever heard of, dickwad.) “Will you teach me to tell jokes like you?”
“HI I’M ERNIE WISE!”
“The thing is Ernie, I know all the jokes and everything, but I just can’t get the timing right, I mean I can do it, I know I can, I just need a bit of polish…”
“HI I’M ERNIE WISE!”
Ernie Wise’s stirring words have an immediate effect on Zippy, and in the second half he wows the audience with his jokes which are actually pretty much identical to the ones in the first half, but never mind – it’s the way he tells them.
Zippy wins the show, and his prize is that he gets to wake up and see Bungle looming over him. With his newfound comedy skills, Zippy tells Bungle and George some more jokes, only this time his delivery is banging and they fall about laughing.
This is them falling about laughing:
Geoffrey teleports into the room again, and also falls about laughing, despite not having been there for the jokes. It’s like those sodding freeze frames you get at the end of sitcoms.
And here we leave the Rainbow gang and Ted Danson for another day. I think we’ve learned two things:
1. If you can’t do something, have another go and you’ll immediately be able to do it.
2. HI I’M ERNIE WISE!
Mike, Victoria, Richard – Hooray! Thanks for the money which I will spend on Yikes pencils from 1992.