The rest home for knackered He-Man figures

I’m not just a genius with tits of steel you know. I also do a lot of good work for charity, which I then tell everyone about.

One of the causes close to my heart is rescuing knackered He-Man and She-Ra figures. This is a brilliant charity to support, because A) it’s made up, and B) I can support it just by buying He-Man figures from car boot sales. Everyone’s a winner.

My collection started with a knackered old She-Ra that cost me 50p. Being the saint I am, I repainted her and brushed her hair and stuff. However, once I’d bought a few figures that needed some TLC, I decided I couldn’t be fucked, and that it was better to let nature take its course. Model paint is expensive, and the man in the shop always tries to talk to me about Warhammer.

Therefore, I have opened the World of Crap rest home for knackered He-Man figures. Allow me to take you through its magnolia corridors…

Skeletor

“Put me out of my misery!” he cries every afternoon. “Please, please, I beg you!” Lol he’s such a card.

Teela

Teela has the mumps, and has had the mumps for 23 years. That doesn’t stop her threatening to cut people whenever she thinks they’re short-changing her in Asda. We’ve tried to get her sword off her, but the threatens to call the U.N. (Or “the un” as she calls it).

Alan

Alan once saw a lady without her knickers, and has never recovered.

Thunder Punch He-Man

His problem occurred when he tried to punch actual thunder, realised it wasn’t a real thing you can punch, and fell off the cliff. Poor, TP, he flat refuses to go back to Ingoldmells.

Steve?

I can’t remember this guy’s name; he just wandered in here one night after a Millwall match.

Wanda

Wanda turned up one night offering favours to the gentlemen for cash. That’s against the rules, but then she claimed she needed to use our microwave, so we let her live here.

She-Ra

Having been presented with the grim complexities of becoming a middle aged woman, She-Ra has decided to spend the rest of her days in this pose, as it will “align her chakras and make her immortal”.

Evil-Lyn

Evil-Lyn is permanently furious for two reasons:

1: She’s been transported here from a future where everyone is two feet taller and now she feels weird.

2: A man’s being slow at a cashpoint.

Prince Adam

He has a dirty arm and a dirty bum. No one likes to ask him how they got dirty, because he throws his tea at them if they do.

Nigel

Poor Nigel used to have a moustache until it got stolen in the war. He lost his leg thing kicking someone in the balls.

Evil-Lyn

Forever trying to karate chop taller, future Evil-Lyn, but can never reach.

I will continue to take in waifs and strays from the He-Man universe, because it is my calling. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.