Hello. I haven’t slept properly for three days, and now I’ve decided it’s a good idea to review this episode:
Nothing can go wrong.
Let’s begin. For reasons known only to them, the gang have bought a load of novelty mirrors. This is why whey never have any food or clothes.
Yeah, this is going to help me sleep.
As my friend has just pointed out, Bungle’s arse is now at the front.
Meanwhile, Geoffrey looks like Hank’s father in law from King Of The Hill, who had his shins shot off in the war.
Everyone has a great time looking in the mirrors for about an hour, and then Zippy gets in his first sick burn of the day:
“I thought Bungle looked better in the mirror – he’s far too fat!”
To the point, and lacking some of his usual subtlety, but I’ll let that slide.
“Don’t be rude,” replies Geoffrey. At no point does he disagree with Zippy.
“But those mirrors don’t show us what we really look like do they?” says George.
“No,” agrees Geoffrey, shoving a mirror into George’s face.
“Aren’t these ordinary mirrors then Geoffrey?” asks Bungle.
Hang on. The fact that Bungle has to ask this raises several questions:
1: Does Bungle have no concept of what he looks like in real life?
2: Why haven’t they just made Bungle move to North Korea yet?
3: Why have I been up since 5.
George wants to know how the fun mirrors work. Instead of explaining how they work (because let’s face it, I’m fucked if he’s going to spend three hours explaining that), Geoffrey decides to stand in front of the mirror until his trousers resemble Rod’s, and somehow this explains everything.
Right, I’ve had three coffees already and THIS IS NOT HELPING.
Later on, Zippy is doing a shadow puppet. I say ‘puppet’ – he’s just standing there, so really he’s just doing a shadow. This is enough to impress and terrify Bungle, who thinks the shadow is a ghost, despite Zippy being right fucking there.
The others have a turn at ‘standing quite near to the wall’. What fun.
“Now then, did you notice anything about your shadows?” says Geoffrey. “Apart from the fact that they were quite boring.”
“We’re not flat like the shadows,” says Bungle.
I don’t know what he’s got against them.
Geoffrey’s answer: “Yes, the real Bungle, Zippy and George have got lots of sides.”
Lots of sides? What? How many sides? What am I, a cube?
“Yes, Geoffrey’s got lots of sides,” says Bungle. “Look Zippy, look at Geoffrey’s sides.”
I am not making this up.
Then Geoffrey makes a shadow puppet of a ‘fox’, and the others shit themselves. I’ve never met anyone who was scared of foxes. Maybe rabies is a problem in the Rainbow universe? I don’t know if you get rabid foxes and I don’t fucking care.
Bungle does a ‘duck’, but it’s clearly Emu:
After dinner, Geoffrey suddenly remembers that “Ooh, I’m expecting a visitor!”
He looks very shifty when he says this. Oh God, this is going to be like that time he pretended to be his own evil twin isn’t it.
Geoffrey goes into the kitchen, and FOUR SECONDS LATER there’s a knock at the front door.
I can’t cope with this.
Of course, the others have no idea that this is Geoffrey in disguise (spoiler alert), and to be fair, why would they? A) Geoffrey went into the kitchen FOUR SECONDS AGO. B) Why would Geoffrey randomly trick them into thinking he was an old woman? Was he trying to catch them our or something? Was he seeing if Bungle would crack onto him?
I love Geoffrey, but he does have this weird obsession with trying to fool the others for no reason at all.
Look – look how pleased with himself he is.
Why he did any of that is never explained. I wish I had some gin.
Great and now my hands smell weird. I think I’m ill.
While the others are gasping with amazement and congratulating Geoffrey on his cunning, please note that there are presents of varying sizes next to them. This is important.
Geoffrey tells them that they can each choose a present. This is like that thought experiment where you have to design a society without knowing who you’re going to be born into it as. Only it’s Rainbow.
I don’t know if Bungle chose communism or not.
George thinks his present is “a cabbage”. No one comments on this. Bungle complains that his present isn’t very big, despite having chosen it himself. That’s not how communism works Bungle, you knob.
Right, given that the title of this episode is ‘Things Aren’t Always What They Seem’, I’m going to predict that the size of the presents does not correspond to their value. I’m going to say that Bungle has a Faberge egg, and Zippy has a box of pubes. George probably does have a cabbage, which he seems perfectly fine with.
Right, time for the big reveal –
George got a woman’s hat.
Bungle got a paperweight. Close enough.
Zippy got fuck all, which is probably better than a box of pubes.
It’s ok though, because Geoffrey was just funning them again, to teach them that ‘size doesn’t matter’. Zippy’s real present is the story book, which is a bit of a cheat in my opinion, because clearly Geoffrey just had that lying around. It’s like that time I wrapped up Alex’s glasses and gave them to him for Christmas. He didn’t think that was funny but it was.
There’s just time for Geoffrey to read a story before the end of the episode. That was convenient.
Anyway – the moral of today’s episode is this:
Mark, Katie and Greg – thank you very much for your donations. I wish I had bought hard booze and Calpol with the money, but sadly I didn’t. If anyone else feels like chucking a quid my way, check out the donation button at the top of the page (or bottom if you’re on mobile).