Imagine my feelings when, one morning, I looked in the mirror and realised I was hexagonal. That would have been OK had I been in a funny hall of mirrors, but I wasn’t.
I put my expanding body down to the following things –
2. Red wine
3. Ordering the mister to carry me everywhere, even when I didn’t want to go anywhere
4. No nice leg warmers in Primark
I was going to have to do some ‘Keep Fit’.
What is Keep Fit?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines Keep Fit as “the act of your mum moving up to four limbs at a time while wearing a leotard on a Tuesday evening”.
There are different levels of Keep Fit, ranging from Novice (being asleep in bed) to Expert (keeping your entire body off the ground for up to 30 seconds). Most people are already adept at the Novice activities, and with practice, anyone can work their way up to Expert, via a series of grapevines.
Can anyone do Keep Fit?
Yes! Consider this group of potential athletes:
They all have something in common, which is that they can all pull on some lycra and start leaking sweat! Although I’m not sure if worms sweat or not. They might not. Oh, and the Triceratop. You can’t do Keep Fit if you’re extinct.
Do you need any special equipment for Keep Fit?
Opinion is divided on this one. Some say ‘no of course not you fucking idiot’. Others insist you need whatever they happen to be selling at the time, as luck would have it.
This is some fitness equipment you can buy if you want to:
Huge weight gain scary powder
A thigh thing
Some string to get tangled up in
Whatever the fuck this is
How to Keep Fit?
Don’t worry, I’m an expert at Keep Fit, so just do whatever I say and you’ll be fine. I have a series of patented exercises, which will be demonstrated by my assistant Barbie:
As you can see, she is not wearing her vagina protector. Naughty Barbie.
1. The Head Stand
The novice may keep their weight on their head. However, the expert may want to try keeping all their weight on just their hair. Jumping up and down while in this position is optional. Watch out for your enemies coming along and kicking you up the arse.
2. The Backwards Hamstring Face Lunge
Try not to let farts out while in this pose.
3. The Can’t Be Arsed
Ideal for when you want to go to sleep without the instructor noticing.
4. The Reverse Flamingo
The trick to this exercise is being able to balance on one leg while turning your head 180º. Expert exercisers may want to try keeping both legs up in the air.
5. The Trifle Avoid
See that trifle? Avoid it. Get away from it, preferably using only your head muscles. Failing that, eat the trifle.
6. The Two Legs In One Trouser Put
Novices may use tights, as tights are stretchier therefore it’s cheating a bit. Burn extra calories by swearing at the top of your voice, then falling downstairs when attempting to go for help.
7. The Bitch Kick (Level 1)
Find your arch enemy and kick her in the head. No special equipment is needed for this, except maybe nunchucks for if things develop. If you don’t have an arch enemy, why not try kicking that stupid go pro toothpaste woman?
8. The Bitch Kick (Level 2)
Find your arch enemy and kick her in the fanny. Chances are she won’t be wearing her vagina protector. Don’t forget to strike a ninja pose while you perform the kick, and also to warm up properly beforehand.
If you do your exercises every day, you’ll soon be on your way to being a Keep Fit champion!
Damian, thank you for the mega donation you sexy bastard. If you’d like to chuck a quid my way, check out the donate button at the top of the site. Or spend your money on something better.