Welcome back to my occasional bit about the crap I find in old magazines. This morning I remembered I had a stack of old Just Seventeen mags, chock full of sassy advice, gorge hunks, and ‘what to do if your tampons fall out of your bag’. Looking back, this magazine was obsessed with tampons. They should have called it ‘Just Tampons’.

Anyway, I did manage to find some non-tampon content in there, including Pen Pals, the Rad Olympics, and some dude…

Kym Sims

EPSON MFP image

Who is Kym Sims? Or Kim Syms? Or Kym Syms? Whatever, who’s the bird stood there in her knickers? She wants us to know that her new single, ‘A Little Bit More’, is out now.

I’ve never heard this song, but I’m 99% sure the lyrics are as follows:

“That mash was lovely,
But I’m still a bit hungry,
Can I have a little bit more?

What do you mean you’ve had the rest of it?
What do you mean ‘there are still some carrots’?
No one cares about that
You greedy prick”

(repeat chorus)

Woolworths

Woolworths has everything you need to make your father’s day, including ‘Crash Bang Wallop What A Video!’, A toy car, and cards with teddy bears on them.

God I miss Woolworths. Now I have to put actual thought into what to get people. I don’t like that.

Temp’ry Tattoos

So temporary they didn’t even have time to write ‘temporary’. I notice one of the models is a grown man.

Free! American Penpals!

I’m obsessed with the idea of penpals, probably because I never had any penpals as a kid, or any pals. I did have loads of pens though.

If you want to take advantage of this offer (maybe you want to tell Americans all about queueing and dean Gaffney) you’d better hurry up as it expires in 1992.

Robbie Craig

Again, who is this? Did I buy a set of allen keys off him once?

Mr Craig has a new single out, called ‘Nothing I Can’t Do Produced By Steve Anderson’ out this week.

This is how that song goes:

“Steve? Steve! Where did I put that tin of Ronseal?
You know the one I mean, you better not have used it,
I don’t care if you think we should ‘get a man in’,
There’s NOTHING I CAN’T DO PRODUCED BY STEVE ANDERSON”

The Rad Olympics

It might be my eyes, but that Olympic mascot looks like a naked dog with its pubes showing. Other than that, these people have single-handedly won the 100m ‘stand there looking rad’. You also have the chance to win 500 Sega Mega Drives, if you have somewhere to put them.

I hope they haven’t just painted that on the side of someone’s house.

Dana Lee

Again, who? A new British star, that’s who. I think she might have dislocated her shoulder.

Summary of the lyrics:

“Here is a list of words you can say:

Fuck
Piss
Fanny
Wazzock
Bum

But you’re not allowed to say ‘forever’ in front of me,
Because that’s my trigger word ever since I went to see Paul McKenna”

If you like my blog, you might be interested to know that I’m putting a book on Amazon in November. Or you might not be interested, who knows.

4 thoughts on “Vintage magazine adverts: Who are these people?

  1. Robbie Craig, if that’s the same one I’m looking at, gained a brief wind of fame in the 00s when he did vocals with Craig David on Artful Dodger’s ‘Woman Trouble’. He was also briefly in East 17 when they made another failed attempt at a comeback!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good evening,

    Have you heard?
    About the word?
    The word on the street is permanent tattoos are out, man.
    There are these new wyld, young and craaaaazy tem’pry tattoos out there on the mean streets of Cambridge right now, that only the ruff’est tuff’est fag’est kidz are into.

    These things will make you a sexual tyrannosaurus, like me, man. Just ask any underage and vulnerable animal.

    We even have tattoos that say “SHUT UP, YOU’R NOT MY REAL DAD” and “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME”

    If you ain’t wear’n fake plastic tat on your body, then you’re a gay, man.

    Liked by 1 person

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