I’ve adopted some more action figures. I don’t really know who any of them are, but they’re all wrestlers and they all have interesting facial expressions and pants.

And what better use for wrestling figures than to have them share their household and fashion tips with you? I can’t think of anything, so that’s what I’ve decided to do. Let’s crack on!

Arsey Malcolm

arsey malcolm

Arsey Malcolm got his name by being a bit arsey with people, and also because his arse is at the front. His signature move is telling people to hurry the fuck up at cashpoints.

Arsey Malcolm says: “Don’t over-fill bin bags. About 3/4 full is good.”

Lord Veinylegs

lord veinylegs III

Not sure is this dude is a wrestler or not, but he has lovely veiny legs. Actually, I’m not even sure if that head belongs on that body.

Lord Veinylegs says: “WD40 can be used to remove crayon marks from any surface!”

Super Ex-Lax

super ex-lax

We all know this guy’s theme tune: “He tries, he tries, he tries to have a poo…” One day he’ll succeed, and that’s when he’ll beat his opponent.

Super Ex-Lax says: “Beware of misleading offers in supermarkets.”

Hulk Hogan

hulk hogan

I do know this guy – he’s Hulk Hogan, and he had sex once, which was apparently really interesting. Maybe he has two dicks? Anyway, here he is, cursing the seagulls.

Hulk Hogan says: “Wash your bras in cold water – they’ll last longer.”

Vladimir Putin

vladimir putin

Vladimir Putin is kicking the arse of western capitalist oppression. if this doesn’t work, he will twist the nipples of western capitalist oppression.

Vladimir Putin says: “Never have ‘password’ as your password.”



KEN!’s signature move is standing outside Home Bargains yelling his own name. People normally respond with “Not today thank you.”

KEN! says: “Tie a brightly coloured ribbon to your luggage for easy identification.”

Kevin Keegan

kevin keegan

As christened by my mother, who bought him because “he looks like Kevin Keegan”. Bum’s the wrong way round. Doesn’t matter, he’s cool.

Kevin Keegan says: “Use frozen grapes to chill wine without watering it down!”

Sad Alan

sad alan

Sad Alan is sad because he has no nipples. Not even looking a bit like Terry Scott can cheer him up. Don’t be fooled by his forlorn exterior though – he’ll kill you.

Sad Alan says: “Use a slice of bread to safely clear up broken glass.”

Would you like to read my book? It’s on Amazon soon.


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