It might surprise you to know that I wasn’t a rad kid. I am, however, a rad adult. A radult, if you will. Therefore, I am now the internet’s leading authority on being rad.
Let me take you through an awesome and rad day in the life of a rad kid, from skateboarding out of bed to skateboarding back into bed. But be warned – IT’S RAD TO THE MAX!
World of Crap is not responsible for any deaths that occur from over-radness.
7.00: Wake up from your awesome and rad dream, about beating Mario to death with Sonic’s trainers while that one from Saved By The Bell looks on. Think briefly about parachute pants.
7.15: Stick baseball cap to head with green hair gel. Gaze at Paula Abdul poster. Paula approves of your baseball cap.
7.30: Decide on outfit for the day.
8.00: Rad breakfast:
Corn Pops are pretty rad. As are Weetos. Go for the one with the raddest prize, like clicky bike things. Failing that, eat Raisin Splitz (because spelled with a ‘z’), Pop Tarts, or a bowl of popping candy.
8.30: Skateboard to school
9.00: Sharpen your Yikes! pencils with your massive pencil sharpener.
10.00: Geography. Activate novelty keyring that says “No way dude!” every time the teacher is about to start talking about British rivers. Declared king of school.
11.00: Skateboard down corridor. Teacher tells you off. Skateboard down teacher. Headmaster tells you off. Skateboard down headmaster. Yell “Cowabunga!” at his mangled corpse.
11.15: Get expelled. Insist they spell it “X-peld”, as that is more rad. Skateboard away. Teacher begs you to come back after 5 minutes, as school is rapidly earning the nickname ‘uncool school’ since you left. Agree to come back if they’ll teach breakdancing instead of maths.
12.00: Dinner time. Smash your enemies’ faces in with your Thundercats/Turtles/Jurassic Park lunchbox. Your enemies consist of the kids with My Little Pony lunchboxes, which confirms them as gaylords and divs, and not rad. Ignore the fact that they are 5 year old girls. Rad is Rad.
12.15: Crowd surf the dinner queue.
12.30: Girls appear. Not sure if girls are rad or not. Some of them smell. These ones don’t smell. Put sunglasses on and give new headmaster a wedgie to impress them. New headmaster dies from rad.
12.45: Eat dinner – popping candy sandwich, push pops, and a can of Tab Clear.
1.00: P.E. Wear shorts.
2.00: English. Ask kid sitting next to you if they’ve “ever touched a BMW”. Declared king of school again.
3.00: Do a rap to pass the time.
3.30: Skateboard home. Do a rad slide on top of a passing police car. Skateboard faster, as not getting arrested is radder than getting arrested.
4.00: Put these on. I don’t know what they are but they’re extremely rad.
4.15: Think about what to be for Halloween.
4.30: Watch Rude Dog And The Dweebs, Heartbreak High, Saved By The Bell, or GamesMaster.
5.30: Have tea – Findus French Bread Pizza. throw Nickelodeon Gak at your mum if she tries to make you eat vegetables.
6.00: Do the Time Warp and some headspins.
6.15: Surf the information superhighway.
The information superhighway used to be for nerds and dweebs, but now there’s some rad stuff on it, like boobs and games. Look at boobs for a bit. Go up to bedroom and look at Paula Abdul for a bit.
7.00: Play some Sonic, or Mortal Kombat, or ToeJam And Earl. Sister asks if she can have a go on ‘Barbie Super Model’. Skateboard her to death. Kill her Tamagotchi.
7.15: Sent to bed for killing your sister. Tell parents to ‘piss off’, but do it silently so they won’t hear. Watch your portable mini TV under your quilt. Stay up and watch The Equalizer.
8.30: Fall asleep wearing this Walkman:
Congratulations, you are now King Rad of Raddington. Cowabunga etc.