When regional adverts were on TV, I was too young to appreciate them. All they meant to small me was that my parents might drag me round yet another carpet shop or caravan showroom, promising to stop at McDonald’s if I was “good”. (I never was. I’d “shown them up” by touching the carpets or whatever.)

The point is that regional adverts are a wonderland of tat and mullets that I can appreciate now that I’m old and sagging. Get your eyes ready for a tour of Britain, stopping at Yorkshire, HTV, Central, and some other places, I don’t know.

Readyspex 

From shops everywhere. If you’re in Blackburn.

This is fine I guess, until the end. WHY IS THERE A DOG.

Mike’s Carpets 

Do not say one bad word about Mike or I will cut you. (And to my Twitter followers: you’re wrong. He would beat the hell out of Don Amott in a fight.)

Mike was world famous in the Leeds area for his quality carpets at low low prices, and his mullet, which apparently he still has to this day. I do hope that’s true.

Italian Furniture Direct

Spoiler alert: at 2.25 it gets really good.

There’s plenty to love in this advert. The fact that it was filmed in portrait on someone’s phone. The enthusiastic owner whose tie is far too tight and is cutting off the circulation to his head. Seriously, he is going a bit red. I hope he’s OK.

AND THEN THE MUSIC KICKS IN.

Eileen Bilton

Have you ever wanted to move to Warrington or Runcorn? No.

OK, well just imagine you did want to move to Warrington or Runcorn. What then? How do?

Well, what do is you phone Eileen Bilton, who is the patron saint of Warrington Runcorn, and has no phone number because she’s a celestial being and BT won’t give her a phone line. But get in touch with her anyway, probably at your local church, and she’ll make sure you get a flat in that shit looking tower block. In Warrington. Or Runcorn. Or both.

All hail Eileen Bilton. Don’t forget to send an Eileen Bilton card next January.

The Mark McGinley Roadshow

“Yorkshire and Lincolnshire’s DJ of the year!” Make your party go with a bang!

“Oh you’ve already booked Black Lace? Well how about your birthday? Funeral? I can do Agadoo, it’s fine! I’ll bring the glamorous Love & Kisses Dancers with me! Great! 7 o’clock? Oh, you’re in London? Sorry I don’t know where that is. Is it in Pontefract?”

Channel 4 advertising

Someone is pointing a gun at these men’s heads while they tell you how sales have risen by 34% since advertising with Channel 4.

It’s Channel 4. I wouldn’t put it past them.

Benest’s of Milbrook and Fine Price

This Jersey supermarket chain is apparently owned and advertised by “The Major”. That is entirely fitting, and I approve. I also approve of his lovely use of language:

“This company takes pride and pleasure in making its usual contribution to the spirit of generosity, to which even the meanest hearts fall victim.”

(Translation: it’s Christmas lads)

“The quality of a foodstore is the sum of the services it offers.”

(Translation: Tesco is shit, we’re not)

“First class perishables”

(Translation: meat?)

“Range of commodities”

(Translation: not just meat)

“A customer atmosphere congenial to all.”

(Translation: we’re definitely not Tesco, certainly not West Bromwich Tesco)

When you consider that modern adverts feel they have to tell us which aisle to find the biscuits in (spoiler alert: it’s the biscuit aisle), this is an unpatronising breath of fresh air.

I don’t know if these adverts are still going – if you know, drop me a line in the comments. I’d love to know what’s happening in the swinging world of Jersey food retail.

West Midlands Travel

What’s with the fucking mental music? Also, I live in the West Midlands and can confirm that the buses do not go that fast.

Don Amott, King of Caravans

Watch the advert then try not to sing it to the Transformers theme. You can’t. This is the power of Don Amott, and this is how he gets you to buy caravans. Not one caravan like you might need, but several caraven.

“Off the A38 between Derby and Burton.” There’s a good chance my parents made a day of it and dragged me round Don Amott’s caravan hellhole. Fuck you Don Amott, I hope Mike beats you in that fight.

Jim Megaw’s Crazy Prices

This is from Northern Ireland so I’m not too familiar with it, but two things. 1: any shop called Crazy Prices gets my approval, and 2: Did you ever think you’d see the 2001: A Space Odyssey music accompanying 14p beans? No you didn’t.

I’ll be honest, Mike’s Carpets looks a bit tame compared with this majesty.

First Choice

First Choice in Swansea, Cardiff and Pyle. (I’ll be honest, I had to google Pyle.) Best for kids’ pumps apparently. Question: Is that Gaz Topp or not? Answers on a postcard please.

Lee Longlands

LEAVE IT TO LEE LONGLANDS STEVE, HE’S NOT WORTH IT!

LEAVE IT!

PLEASE, I SAID LEAVE IT!

LOOK CAN WE JUST GO HOME? IT’S FINE!

LEAVE IT TO LEE LONGLANDS!

For all your furniture and upholstery needs after a banging night out in Doncaster.

Want to read my book? It’s about someone having a really bad time surrounded by vegans. I’m a born salesman.

11 thoughts on “The wonderful world of regional adverts

  1. “Also, I live in the West Midlands and can confirm that the buses do not go that fast.”

    They bloody well do you know, or at least the 45 from Birmingham City Centre to Longbridge does. I have to cling on to the handrail for dear life and I’m seriously considering taking a spare of undies on future journeys.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ITALIAN FURNITURE MAN wow wow wow… I think he’s just wandered in off the street and started shouting. Then it all goes like a weird mix of Indiana Jones except the main character/camera is a time traveller/alien who has literally never seen any of these items before and is lumbering around in increasing confusion. The inevitable conclusion is that the alien eats everyone and cries cause he just wants to understand.

    Liked by 1 person

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