It’s December! Again. This seems to happen every year.
You know what else happens once a year? Bungle wears clothes. Some years it’s pyjamas, other years it’s an entire hat. This year, he’s decided to wear a dress and some tinsel. This is because he wants to show off his holy and glorious bum.
I wrote about this episode about six years ago, but I feel that I’ve grown as a person since those days, and I wanted to have another crack at it, now that I can appreciate all the subtleties the episode has to offer.
Lol I said ‘crack’.
Let’s begin. Geoffrey is showing off his banging Nativity scene.
“Lads, guess what?” he says. “I’ve decided we’re all going to become vegans, so no Christmas presents for you this year!”
The others believe him, the idiots.
“I’m lying, of course” says Geoffrey. “You know, like that time I told you that doll was a real baby, and that time I was my own evil uncle? You never fucking learn.”
To stop them all crying, Geoffrey decides to tell them the story of the first Christmas, when Jesus only got a Sega Master System. He hopes this will make them feel lucky to be getting a lump of coal each, which is what they’re getting.
Now then. Mary and Joseph are asleep in the stable, where they live. Please note that they live in a stable. This will be important later.
Obviously, the middle of the night when people are asleep is the perfect time to pay them a visit. For fuck’s sake Bungle.
“Who are you?” demands Mary. “And why are you wearing that weird flap thing and not proper clothes?”
Meanwhile, Joseph is wisely pretending to be asleep, so he doesn’t have to get up and put the kettle on and acknowledge the Angel Gabriel’s testicles.
“Surprise!” says Gabriel. “You’re up the stick!”
“That’s ridiculous!” says Mary. Me and Joseph have never even held hands!”
“No, the baby’s God’s” explains Gabriel. “He did it while you weren’t looking.”
“Oh shit” says Mary.
“Also, God said to remind you that your tax return is due. Don’t leave it till after Christmas like you did last year.”
“Yes alright Mother, bloody hell,” says Mary. “Where do we have to go?”
“Preston I think,” says Gabriel.
The next day, Mary and Joseph set off to do their tax returns.
“How are you feeling?” says Joseph.
“Well, I’m feeling a bit pregnant,” says Mary.
“Oh my heart fucking bleeds” says Joseph. “It must be so hard sitting on your arse while I do all the walking.”
“YEAH WELL I HAVE JUST HAD SEX WITH GOD YOU KNOW” yells Mary.
“I hope God sex is fucking tax deductible” mutters Joseph.
They make it to Bethlehem without killing each other. After finding the Travelodge and the Premier Inn booked up, they reluctantly enquire at Budget Bedz R Us, the only place with a ‘vacant’ sign in the window.
“What do you want?” says the landlady.
“A different bastard hotel” mutters Mary under her breath. “Don’t swear”, warns Joseph. “Not with God up your fanny.”
“I just let the last room,” says the landlady, but you can kip in the stable if you want.”
“Eew no I bet it’s full of cow shit and other types of shit” says Mary.
“No it’s OK it’s just some straw,” says the landlady. “And some cows. Probably no shit.”
“Yep we’ll take it” says Joseph. “We’re used to stables, we live in one at home.”
“What? We do? You never told me this!” says Mary.
“Keep up love,” tuts Joseph.
“Oh did I mention that I’m going to have the baby tonight as well?” says Mary. “I know me and God only did it yesterday, but that’s how that works.”
Mary and Joseph go off to bed, and for Mary to have the Son of God and stuff.
Meanwhile, a bunch of shepherds are guarding the one sheep they own.
“What’s that smell?” they wonder.
“HEY LADS, GUESS WHO’S UP THE DUFF?”
“Oh, hello. Who?”
“Mary! For fuck’s sake, you know Mary, she sings Wham on the karaoke.”
“Oh right yeah. So?”
“So go get the baby a present!”
“Fuck off! Do we look like we’re made of money?”
Gabriel gets annoyed. “Look you dole scum, God is this baby’s dad, so you better get it a present, and no ‘I donated to Oxfam in your name’ bollocks. Get it a bike or something.”
“Well, we don’t even know Mary’s address so we can’t. And anyway we’re busy.”
“That’s OK, follow this star and you’ll find her.”
“This star, that I’m literally fucking touching.”
Gabriel regrets asking poor people to do anything. He decides to go upmarket for his next visit. He remembers that all the kings hang out together on a Thursday night, at the Kings’ Arms. Well, all the kings except Herod, who got into trouble over some 50ps on the pool table the other week.
“HEY LADS, WHOSE ROUND IS IT?”
The kings look confused. “Who are you?”
“I’m the Angel Gabriel!”
“Oh my god, I loved ‘Sledgehammer’!”
“That’s Peter Gabriel you twat.”
The kings are even more confused.
“Did you invite this guy?”
“No I thought you did.”
Bungle repeats his orders to the three kings, only they don’t need the star as they are rich and can get an Uber.
The kings turn up at Mary and Joseph’s stable.
“I’ve got him a DVD,” says King George. “I hope he hasn’t got this one.”
“Sorry, I got him some stick-on tattoos,” says King Zippy. “I forgot he’s the Son of God.”
“Well I got him a horse, so I am the best” says King Rod.
“Thanks lads,” says Mary. Those other ones turned up with a ‘Super Ranger’, ‘Scrobble’, and a second hand Tiny Tears with piss on it, the tight bastards.
And here this heartwarming scene turns back into Geoffrey’s Nativity model.
“OMG” says Joesph.
“OMG” says the wise man.
“Did someone call me?” shouts God.
“No, mind your own business” they reply.
Having learned the meaning of Christmas, the gang gather round for a lovely rendition of ‘Twas on the Good Ship Venus’.
Bungle, for reasons known only to him, is still wearing his flaps.
Well, that was a nice episode. And we learned the meaning of Christmas. We also learned that shepherds are dole scum, and that you shouldn’t say swear words while you have God up your fanny.