The other day I tried to get the Windows connected to the thing and the iPad, but I couldn’t. This is because I am a raging div. Therefore, I have decided to shun all technology because I can’t do it and I’m frightened of it.

I’ve decided to adopt a simpler way of life, where I don’t need to bother trying to figure any of this shit out. I shall go back to the ways of my forefathers, and use stuff where you only have to turn a knob. This will in no way affect my quality of life. And if it does, my Plan B is to run away and live off the land, probably round the back of a Moto Services.


The problem: I can’t get anything to connect to the bus hole, and Windows keeps interrupting my shit with updates, and I keep accidentally setting random pictures off Google as my desktop background. At the moment it’s a picture of a stock exchange.


The solution: Tomy Tutor Play Computer. This bad boy can perform all the tasks I need it to do, such as making words appear on the screen. There’s also a picture of a horse for if things get stressful. And the picture tells you it’s a horse, in case you forgot.


The problem: My other half has a nuclear powered TV that has 28 different remote controls. There’s an amplifier involved somewhere. He claims he needs to be able to see the TV in great detail for the ultra HD realism, but then just puts The Simpsons on. Meanwhile, I can’t work out how to watch the news.


The solution: One of those wind-up TVs that only play one show, but that’s OK because all you have to do is turn the knob and it goes. I don’t care about watching the news anyway, I’ll guess what’s happened from the faces of passers by in town. I’ll just watch that girl in that boat for the rest of my fucking life, that’s fine.


The problem: I can’t figure out how to answer it if someone calls me, because you have to swipe the screen, but I always swipe the wrong way and hang up on them by mistake. Also, there’s nowhere to put your mouth so you sort of have to just shout at it. And it doesn’t matter if someone rings me because I can’t get it off silent so I won’t hear their call anyway. I don’t know my phone number either. Also, that text thing where it decides, on your behalf, that you’re trying to say “I’m a warm How, And.”


The solution: Two tin cans on a string. This will work if it’s fucking urgent enough. Otherwise it’s not. Chances are I’ll still ignore your call.


The problem: Thanks to having NASA set up at home, I can get the PS4 on, or the TV on, or both but no sound, but no combination of these. On a good day it takes me about 10 goes before I can play Stardew Valley. This is the only game I can play, because the others are all too difficult: “To jump, press X up down down XYYX triangle semi fucking colon”.

ring toss

The solution: Water ring toss. I’m not trying to imply I’m any good at this either, but it was either this or those things where you have to get the balls into the holes, and I’m even worse at those. Actually never mind, I’ll just stare at the wall.

MP3 player

The problem: I can’t turn it up or down. I have no say over which track I listen to, it just picks one. My headphones keep going like this:


On the plus side, it does say “Bye Bye” on the screen when I turn it off, which I love.



Social media

The problem: People keep replying to my jokes with the same joke, and I don’t know how to find anything. All the trending topics are things I don’t understand, and it’s always International Cookie Day.


The solution: Penpals. Or more specifically, one penpal, because one friend is about all I can put up with. I’m not a charity. I shall get a penpal in Germany, and then I won’t write to her because I can’t speak German. Perfect.

Online banking

The problem: Apart from ‘I’ve never got any money’, I have to put a code into a thing then get another code and put that into the computer so I can check my balance. Considering I’ve just swapped my PC for a Tomy Tutor Play Computer, I don’t think this will work any more.

money box

The solution: Dairy Milk dispenser. This is perfect because it gives you an incentive to save. I just have to make sure that in future I get paid in cash, and only in 2ps.

Thank you so much to everyone who’s bought my book so far. As an indie author my sales come from word of mouth, so tell your friends I’m great, or give me £100, I’m not bothered which.

Click here to buy Crap Holiday!

One thought on “Technology for idiots and the under fives


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