My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. Did you like that thing I did the other year, when I wrapped up my boyfriend’s glasses and gave them to him for Christmas? He didn’t think it was funny but it was.

This year, I would like the following things please. I know you won’t read this letter properly, because you never do, what with being rushed off your feet, and cuts and whatever. That’s why I’ll end up getting slippers and a set of notelets. Never mind, it’s the thought that counts.

But just in case it makes your job easier, here’s a list of things I always wanted but never managed to get. Some were no doubt too expensive, some were too old/too young (delete as applicable), and some were just “We’re not getting her that Phil, she’ll play with it once then break it.”

Anyway, get me this stuff please. I’ll give you the money at some point.

1. Helix cash box

For keeping all my money safe. All the 35p that I have, and probably a paperclip I found on the floor and decided could be used as currency in a game of She-Ra. The point is, my sisters won’t be able to get in this box and see my secret note that says I love Daniel and not Ben. And the one that says my sisters are bastards.

What I will get instead: An ornament for my mantelpiece. (I don’t have a mantelpiece.)

2. Typewriter

Because I wanted to be a writer ever since I saw Snoopy sitting on his kennel typing “It was a dark and stormy night…”. That typewriter was the key to me writing the next great British novel at age 6, instead of the hand-scrawled shite about Fred Savage and Cobra from Gladiators I used to come out with.

What I will get instead: Insulated golfing mitts.

3. All the make up

Needed for putting all the colours on my face at once and pretending I am 14 like grown ups are. Also to impress the girls as school, especially Laura who has a drawer full of sanitary towels already. She’s just showing off.

What I will get instead: A humorous book of misspelled newspaper clippings.

4. Baby bath set

To be fair, I only wanted this because my rich friend had one, and I wasn’t to be outdone. My mother, wise beyond my years, put her foot down and said “No, we’ve only just had this carpet from Mike’s Carpets, I’m not having you getting it wet.”

What I will get instead: A yard of Jaffa Cakes. I am not complaining.

5. Desk and chair

This is exactly what I need for my strenuous writing sessions and my stellar work ethic. Ignore the fact that I am currently sat at a desk. Anyone who says I am is lying. My desk isn’t yellow.

What I will get instead: One of those metal puzzles from Home Bargains.

6. Battery powered car

Because I need to be places, OK? I technically do have a driving licence, but driving would be so much easier in one of these, since I could go on the pavement. If the rozzers stop me, I can just go “bbrrrrm bbrrrm, nnnrrrrrrr” at them.

What I will get instead: ‘Comedy’ pint glass for wine. Comedy. yep.

7. Desk tidy

This wasn’t in the 1991 Argos catalogue, but fuck that, because I always wanted one of these. Always. I think I just had a weird mania for pretending I was some big bollocks writer or executive. With three pens. I’m not sure why I’ve never just bought myself one, except it doesn’t feel right. It just doesn’t.

What I will get instead: Hopefully a desk tidy, if any of my family are reading this.

8. Mr Frosty

Because I am addicted to Slush Puppies and always have been. Do not judge me. I will, in a rare moment of sanity, admit that I never got this because my parents were wise. I got a Mr Frosty knock-off in my 20s, and anyone who’s owned a Mr Frosty will know why they suck.

What I will get instead: Gin. I’d much rather have the gin. Fuck Mr Frosty.

I know I keep banging on about it, but please have a look at my book lads. I do a smile every time someone buys one.