Every once in a while, I come across an episode that makes me go “For fuck’s sake Bungle!” within the first five seconds. That’s how I know it’s a good episode.

This episode made me go “For fuck’s sake everyone” x 1000 within the first five seconds, and that is why I am now reviewing it for you.

Observe.

The gang are trying, and failing, to get the apples that have been glued to their cardboard tree. This tree is never seen in any other episodes; maybe they chopped it down in a fit of impotent rage. It was the tree’s own fault, flaunting its apples like that.

This episode is supposed to be called ‘Problem Solving Together’, but I think it’s actually called ‘Creating even more problems together because you’re all divs and knobheads’.

1

Geoffrey: “It’s no good, I can’t reach them!”

What, are those apples fucking nailed to that tree?

Me: “Geoffrey, stop lying. I know it’s funny to upset Bungle, but you’re literally bending your limbs so you can’t reach them on purpose, you psychopath.”

Zippy suggests throwing a mild twig at the tree.

2

Bungle: “No, because Geoffrey might miss, and the stick might go into the road and hit someone.

Accidentally of course.

evil

Also, someone who just happens to be standing in the road. Totally their own fault.

“Or it might bounce back and hit you Zippy!”

If Zippy had suggested throwing a boomerang at the tree, I might have agreed.

What Bungle really means is ‘Don’t give Geoffrey a sharp object, because he might carry out that threat he keeps making whenever I rub my scent on his stuff.”

Anyway, Geoffrey pretends he can’t reach the apples, so now everyone will starve.

George, in a rare moment of usefulness, suggests shaking the tree.

Geoffrey: “Yes, but then too many apples will fall off, and get bruised.”

I know there’s a capitalism joke in here somewhere. Let me know if you find it.

I’ve got an idea – how about we sell Bungle for medical experiments, and then use the money to buy apples?

3

How are those apples stuck to that tree?

Anyway, the shaking/bruised thing might be true, I don’t know. I don’t like apples, so I don’t have much to do with them. However, I’m pretty sure they don’t immediately explode/taste like shit upon contact with the ground. Otherwise, apple people would put safety nets round the trees.

I don’t 100% know that they don’t do that, but the point is shut up Bungle. Bungle wasn’t even talking, but shut up Bungle anyway.

Zippy has an epiphany. “Stand on this box over here!”

4

Bungle: “But that box is on the other side of the garden! He’ll never be able to reach from over there!”

Will someone please put Bungle out of his idiot misery by selling him to Procter and Gamble for shampoo. Hairy shampoo.

Pop quiz. Will Geoffrey:

A) Stand on the box and pick apples

B) Stand on the box and contract herpes

C) Stand on the box and it wobbles a bit, making him fear for his life

Surprise! None of the above. What actually happens is that Geoffrey goes through the box like a div, then Bungle “helps”.

box

THEN they remember they own a stepladder. Why do I fucking bother.

6

Geoffrey has his misgivings. “Not so fast Bungle, we don’t want you climbing the ladder, because then I might see your hairy and godforsaken anus, and no one wants that. I’ll climb the ladder, then if you do accidentally see my anus, it will be lovely and smooth.”

Geoffrey accidentally drops an apple on Bungle, and breaks his arm.

6b

Hooray! They have apples and won’t starve!

7

The moral of the story so far:

  • It can be a lot easier doing things together
  • It can be a lot easier doing things on your own without idiots
  • Why did we buy a cardboard tree?

Later on, Bungle is doing a painting of a ‘Beware of intruders’ PIF:

8

“But I can’t do any grass because there’s no green paint, because I used all the green paint that time I accidentally burned the garden and had to cover it up.”

“You didn’t fool us though,” says Geoffrey.

9

“Anyway, I know how to make green” says Geoffrey.

“How?” says Bungle.

“By moving to the Isle of Wight” says Geoffrey. “That’s where they keep the green paint.”

Once Bungle has packed his suitcase and given them all a good laugh, Geoffrey shows them how to make green from blue and yellow.

10

It’s a crap green, but still.

Then John shows up and does a magic trick about hats. I love John.

john

After John leaves, the most pressing problem is that Bungle has nowhere to hang his shit painting.

11

You know the most efficient way of displaying a picture? Make your friend hold it for all eternity.

12

Fuck you Bungle, you maniac. I hope you get hit by a life insurance scam. And a car.

It’s up to Zippy to suggest an alternative, since Geoffrey has apparently left Bungle in charge again, and he is abusing his power.

“Stick it in some Play Doh!”

And because it’s ITV, they don’t have to repeat the ridiculous phrase ‘other modelling clays are available’.

13

Anyway, Zippy is once again confirmed a genius.

Rod, Jane and Freddy sing ‘The Enormous Turnip’:

14

Once again, Bungle insists on being the one in the dress. Why is he never this enthusiastic about wearing clothes any other time?

And that’s the end of today’s episode.

Well, what have we learned today?

  • Apples are nailed to cardboard.
  • Bungle is a massive div. As usual.
  • You can make green from blue and yellow.

Buy my book! It’s really funny, I promise.

2 thoughts on “Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?

  1. It must be something about kids TV from the 70s/80s and fruit being nailed to cardboard trees. I seem to recall an episode of Sesame Street where Cookie Monster was trying to get an apple from a cardboard tree (if memory also serves me correct, he just ate the tree. Thus his method wees all over Bungle’s from a great height.)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Most apple trees WERE all cardboard until October 1980, when the Campaign For Real Trees pushed the Fruit Trees (Amendment) Act through parliament. You young people may not remember this, but before that we had to put up with Real Tree bores droning on.,,

    Liked by 2 people

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