When I was a kid, I’d spend many a happy Friday evening at the video shop, trying to sneak a peek at the videos that weren’t meant for my 6 year old eyes, before my mother caught me and dragged me off to look at Huckleberry Hound videos.
Apart from staring in amused incomprehension at The Lovers’ Guide, the main attraction was the horror section. This was because horror movies always had the most interesting covers. I never really understood what was supposed to be going on in the films, but I knew it was probably something quite naughty.
As an adult, horror covers look less terrifying than they used to, and mostly as if they were made by divs. I’m building up a pretty good collection of the best examples, so let’s have a look through some super duper scary classics. In keeping with tradition, I’m just going to try and guess what the plot of the film is.
Disclaimer: none of these are as good as the imaginary film I dreamed about, called ‘Bum Dracula’.
The plot: That girl is angry because she’s been touching one of those science balls and it’s made her hair go like that. Maybe the house is a ghost?
Is this anything like Ghost Castle? Because I love that game.
Night of the Creeps
The plot: Local hunk Chet turns up to take you to the prom. But he’s dead, which is inconvenient. Fun and wacky japes ensue as you both try to convince the principle that Chet isn’t dead, and has a valid prom ticket.
Simon, King of the Witches
The plot: Simon and his gang of witches go round solving mysteries, in that big skull, which is on wheels.
Come on, admit it, you never thought the king of the witches would turn out to be called Simon.
The plot: A sexy but poisonous weedkiller is on sale at the local garden centre. Anyone who tries to kill weeds with it wakes up the next day with more weeds, but they’re sexy weeds.
The plot: When Linda and Roger moved into their new house, Roger forgot to get rid of the evil lady living in their bedroom wall. Now she’s massive, but they’ve just decided to ignore her.
They should have used Erotikill.
Bonus points for blatantly acknowledging the film they ripped off.
Lemora, Lady Dracula
The plot: Woman is shit at selfies, and her comedy selfie only gets three likes, so she decides to kill everyone. Lady Dracula is her Twitter name, I think.
The plot: All the Satans have fallen out with each other, and are having a war. Italian Satan invades Polish Satan’s waters, while Chinese Satan goes running to the UN to get the pair of them in trouble.
That’s British Satan on the cover, and he’s just noticed a stain on the carpet.
The plot: people have been mysteriously dying since the baby was born. However, it has nothing to do with the baby, because it is a baby and therefore a bit useless. Probably Steve Guttenberg is in it.
Terror out of the Sky
The plot: some bees are annoyed. Perhaps they fell for a pyramid scheme.
This isn’t as good as the other film I made up in my head, called ‘Road Bees’, which stars Michael Madsen as the woman the bees tried to love.
The plot: A naughty eyeball goes round looking into women’s changing rooms and reading over people’s shoulders on the bus. He’s not going to do much more than that, on account of how he is an eyeball and that’s it. That woman’s having a nice lie down.
I haven’t got much time for this film if they didn’t even have the tagline as “He’s got his eye on you!”
If you would like to chuck a quid in the pot to help fund this insanity, that would be lovely.