A little while ago I wrote about a bunch of odd things I found on the internet, or lurking on my hard drive.
And by “a little while ago”, I meant yesterday, or three and a half years ago. I’m not much for set deadlines.
But as it turns out, the inked-in-blood contract I signed with Jenny had some fine print. Apparently if I don’t write a follow-up, she gets my immortal soul.
She also gets my DVD of SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which I consider a lot more valuable, and slightly less worn out.
So guess what, we’re going back for a second look at whatever the hell I find today. I’ll even add helpfully descriptive headings this time.
1. A sofa-tribble
Full Disclosure: That’s a picture of one of my former cats, Sasha, who headed to the Big Ball of String in the Sky some years ago. Presumably she’s sleeping face-down in a fluffy cloud right now. I used the think she had the ability to breathe through her ears.
I say “my cat”, but she was of course my now-wife’s cat. She just became “our cat” organically , the same way we ended up with “our towels”, “our TV”, and “our crippling household debt that will make us shout at each other every payday for the next two decades”.
Miss that cat.
2. A confusing movie poster
This is a poster for a movie called MR DEATHMAN. This raises many questions. Is that a nickname, or does his driving license read “Delwyn J Deathman”? If so, was he fated to end up holding a machine gun, while a sexy cocktail waitress leans against him, seductively purring “freshen your drink, guv’nor?”. I mean, you can’t really see yourself using the services of D.J Deathman, Chartered Public Accountant, right?
He delivers, though. Must work for Amazon.
The rest of the poster raises even more questions. Why is the Space Shuttle trying to procreate with a 747? What page of the Kama Sutra shows the aerial congress of the Point Break extras? Why is the tiny man trying to punch Deathman in the kneecap?
Most importantly, when I accidentally typed “Space Shittle” in my first draft, why did I laugh for like, five minutes?
Oh right, because I’m eternally ten years old. Got it.
3. An enormous cock
Also, two chickens.
4. Can’t wait to read the Yelp reviews
I saw this photo about a week after I first discovered the internet in ’97 or so. I laughed for a week.
Twenty minutes later I discovered Tubgirl, and the ghostly screams of my dying innocence haunt me to this day.
What makes this picture for me is that one kanji next to the ‘4″ that looks like a smiling face. Look at it. It knows what’s about to go down.
5. Proof that the Devil has the best tunes
Well, this must be a Christian album, because how many of you went “JESUS CHRIST!” when you laid eyes on Ken? Ken, what the fuck is up with your forehead? It’s like the Monolith from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY joined the hair club for men.
Judy, meanwhile, has seen something off in the distance that is giving her the closest thing to a moment of private ecstasy she’s ever had. If she married Ken, I’m assuming she’s seen a balding ostrich in a cheap suit and is weighing up her options.
I’m also assuming she married Ken, and that they’re not brother and sister.
I’m further assuming it not a combination of all of the above.
For more shit movie posters and oddities, follow @TheBMovieVault on Twitter.