Thanks to Patrick Heaviside for giving me this stupid idea in the first place.
You know what it’s like. The cat’s nagging you because you haven’t fed it for a week. So you feed the cat, and then it starts talking like Fenella Fielding and decides it wants to do sex with you. Happens every Saturday.
NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T.
This is the main reason I’ve been collecting various cat food adverts to share with you. While dogs are either cockneys (wrong) or talk like the dog from that credit score advert (right), cats are apparently always after some. Not only that, but the owners seem to want some sexy doings with the cat, and no one bats an eyelid.
This wasn’t always the case. Take this lovely Whiskas advert from 1986, where a nice old lady talks about how much her cat likes his dinner:
That’s nice isn’t it? Note the nice old lady’s complete lack of sexual attraction towards her cat. Call me old fashioned, but I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Fast forward to this Sheba advert from 1993, and warning signs are starting to appear. Cat/human boundaries aren’t really overstepped yet, although they do appear to be flirting and making unnecessary faces at each other. Actually, she’s the one making the faces; as far as I know, cats only have one facial expression. This advert gets a pass because there’s more emphasis on “I love my cat” than “My cat has amazing tits and I want to bang it”.
In that advert, the lady is getting ready to have a romantic night in with her cat. Possibly no sex is involved here, but they’re still going to snuggle up and watch rom-coms together. The cat is a bit friendzoned at this point.
Maybe the warning signs were always there. Take this 1985 Pretty Polly tights advert:
Against the backdrop of sexy Miami Vice music, the cat shuns all food and amusements to go rub itself on that lady’s sexy legs.
“Pretty Polly. The tights for if you want to attract cats.”
Fast forward to this century, and cats are now straight-up porn stars. It’s as if the advert people have all had a meeting, and the following has happened:
Ian: “Now, cats. What do cats say?”
Malcolm: “Single women?”
Ian: “Exactly right! but what else do they say?”
Malcolm: “Erm… playing with string?”
Ian: “NO! YOU’RE SACKED! YOU’RE SACKED FOR BEING SHIT MALCOLM! CATS WANT TO FUCK HUMAN MEN! AND WOMEN! LET’S NOT DISCRIMINATE!”
Malcolm: “You might be wrong about that Ian.”
Ian: “NO YOU JUST HATE THE GAYS! FUCK OFF OUT OF MY OFFICE!”
Malcolm: “No I was referring to the cat wanting to have sex…”
Ian: “IF I SEE YOU IN HERE AGAIN I’LL CUT YOU!”
*Malcolm exits to sad yet heroic music*
Let’s forget Malcolm for now, because we have to focus on Ian’s decision that all cats want to fuck humans. Or dogs (I’m getting to that).
Exhibit A – The man can’t resist having sex with the cat.
I know the Tarot cards say “feed me now”, but they might as well say “bone me now big boy like you know you want to”. You look at that man and tell me that’s not his “Oh my god she’s finally realised what a Nice Guy I am and now we’re going to do it” face.
Exhibit B – Lap dancing for your cat.
Here we see Eva Longbottom doing a sexy dance, while her cat stalker watches, and probably feels its cat parts. The culprit, once again, is Sheba. I’m starting to think Ian might be the boss of Sheba.
Also, at the beginning of the advert, I’m sure Eva Longbottom acknowledges that the cat’s watching her, so this is definitely all for the cat’s benefit. What.
“My passion? Apparently getting my cat horny.”
Exhibit C – Man now wants to marry the bastard cat.
We now appear to have reached peak cat love with this advert for… three guesses… Sheba! In this advert, the man is doing a boring proposal to his boring girlfriend. Then the cat walks in, and the man decides ‘You know what? Fuck my stupid girlfriend. I’m going to move to Jersey with this cat I just met, and we’re going to set up home together. Hope you’re not too upset, erm, Amanda, or whatever your name is.’
This bizarre obsession with sexy cats has now made its way into other adverts, as demonstrated by this Ambi Pur advert. However, since *current year* is full of hipsters, they decided to break from tradition and not do a sexy cat food advert where a cat wants to fuck a human. Possibly the meeting for this went as follows:
Tarquin: “Right Jared. we all know cats are sluts, but #notallmen. Therefore, the cat now wants to fuck something that’s not a man.”
Jared: “Hmm, that’s blue sky thinking alright Tarquin. Let me sip on my gin and think about it…”
Ophelia: “Yeah but you do know all men are still bastards, right?”
Tarquin: “Shut up Ophelia, you’re just saying that because you’re fat and no one fancies you. Anyway, I was talking to Jared. Fuck off and make me some Jasmine tea.”
Jared: “I’ve got it! Why not have the cat fuck next door’s dog? It’s inclusive and also we don’t get done for implying we want to fuck cats!”
Tarquin: “I love you Jared! See, this is why I pay you twice what I pay Ophelia.”
“Buy our air freshener, because cats will fuck anything, amirite lads?”
They even made the cat do a weird knowing wink.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know where I’m going with this now. It started off as a stupid post about cat sex, and it seems to have turned into an academic essay. Sorry about that. My point is that, according to adverts, cats are mega slags, and also no human can resist fucking a cat. So we’ve learned that, at least. We’ve also learned that the people who do the advertising for Sheba are fucking weird.