Lads, I’ve had an idea, and it’s going to be great. Look what I got at the supermarket:
It’s a super fun Girls’ Night In kit, and I’m going to use it to have a super fun Girls’ Night In.
According to the box, this is everything you need to have fun for an entire evening. Disclaimer: the box does not say that, but it’s pretty heavily implied.
The box contains the following:
- A tiny bottle of wine
- Three chocolates
- A wine glass, in case you were going to drink the wine out of a pan
I’m a bit disappointed that the box isn’t covered in empowering slogans like “You go girl!”, “Men – amirite lads?”, and “VAGINA!”, but I’ll let that go. I’m having too much pre-fun fun to be concerned about that.
Right, I’m a bit rusty with the whole ‘Girls’ Night In’ thing; I normally spend my evenings scratching my fanny and crying. So I’ve done a bit of research (clicked one link on Google), and the link had a fun list of girls’ activities to to. Between this and the wine and the chocolates, I’m all set.
OK, super fun happy Girls’ Night In – let’s go!
8pm: Feeling so empowered you guys. Going to open this yummy looking wine!
8.01: Run out of wine. I didn’t plan for this.
In future, Girls’ Night In Kit, may I suggest a minor tweak to the contents of your super fun box?
8.02: Never mind, let’s move on to those yummy chocolates!
8.04: Eaten all the chocolates. They were OK. Got nothing to do now, I better consult that list of fun things to do.
8.05: Just realised my boyfriend is in the room. This is not allowed under the rules of the Girls’ Night In. Yell at him for being male, and for putting the darts on when I’m trying to have a Girls’ Night In. He leaves the room in a huff.
8.06: Now that’s out of the way, I realise I don’t have a towel on my head. I’m probably supposed to, what with having a Girls’ Night In and all.
See? This lady is having fun.
8.10: Have now put a towel on my head in that special, mysterious way that only ladies can do. My hair isn’t wet or anything, but I don’t think that matters.
8.11: Wish I was watching the darts. Can’t watch it now, on principle.
8.12: There really wasn’t enough wine in that bottle. The box led me to believe that after that bottle I’d be climbing up a lamppost with my knickers on my head. Or at the very least, I’d be giggling on my sofa. All that’s happened is that I’m out of wine.
8.13: Another problem arises. The Girls’ Night In literature has instructed me that I need to have some female friends with me in order to have a really successful Girls’ Night In. Unfortunately, I can’t invite anyone round because I don’t really like many people. They smell funny and they say boring shit like “hello”. Must have a think.
8.15: Problem solved – I’ve found a Girls’ Night In companion. Ladies – meet my friend Alan!
Me and Alan are going to get sassy together, and paint each other’s nails and stuff. But first, it’s time to tackle number 1 on the ‘super fun things to do on a girls’ night in’ kit. The list suggests watching a chick flick: “watch movies with people who appreciate the power of a love story and a good cry”.
After much deliberation, we have found the perfect weepy movie:
Alan suggested it really. Credit where credit’s due.
9pm: This movie isn’t really making me weepy, but it is giving me heartburn. I don’t know if eating non-Girls’ Night In Kit-sanctioned food is within the rules.
9.01: Stopped watching the weepy movie because I am hungry. The list says you can eat “fondue”, but I haven’t got any fondue, so what, do I do now, starve to death? That’s not very fun. It’s a choice between a Fray Bentos pie, or popping out to “Crazy Uppal’s Discount Chicken”. Although it would be a very ‘Girls’ Night In’ thing to do to not have anything else to eat in order to be thin and therefore get all the men, even though I hate men because they are male and they smell and are not allowed at my Girls’ Night In.
Just kidding. I love cock.
So what else do we do on this fun Girls’ Night In? Let’s have a think.
9.05: Beauty treatments! Yeah! Let’s make ourselves pretty by… I dunno… scrubbing?
9.10: My face hurts and is red. I don’t really like Girls’ Nights In.
9.12: I wonder how the darts is going.
9.15: Scratch fanny for a bit.
9.45: Bored now. The Girls’ Night In isn’t really working out for me now. I don’t know why, I’ve done what they told me to do. I even said “Don’t go there!” I’m not sure saying it to Alan counts though. What do.
9.46: Scratch bum.
10pm: Consider phoning the Cones Hotline for something to do. Decide against it. Ask Alan for ideas. Alan is pissed out of her tree and does not reply. I’m not speaking to Alan now. Admit defeat.
Conclusion: This is shit.
Footnote: My boyfriend came back in because he was sick of being in male exile. Together we had a much better Girls’ Night In:
He put a towel on his head so it was fine.
The moral of the story is – these kits are a rip-off. You’re better off buying whiskey and scratching your bum for a fun evening in. And maybe playing Scrabble.