It’s occurred to me that I’ve become a hoarder. However, I’ve become a hoarder of awesome stuff, so there’s no need for me to go on one of those TV shows where they wee in a shoe and cook with a candle because they need to own all the copies of Railway Enthusiast ever published.

I like to think of myself as a curator rather than a hoarder. Hoarding is for people like my other half, which is why we have a box full of old phone chargers that “we might need one day”. If we ever invent time travel and really, really need to charge a phone to, I don’t know, text the boy band A1.

Anyway, I’ve decided to gather some of my best objets d’art and display them on a shelf, so you can look at them and go “hmmmm”, as if you were in a real museum, and not sat at home looking at my shit blog.

I present – the shelf of shit!

shelf of shit

OK, I’ll comment on each section. I’ve numbered them, but if you can’t figure out which ones I’m referring to, you’re a bit of a div.


1. A shit fake mini Magna Doodle that I bought from the shop while pissed one night. I haven’t got it out of the packaging because I can’t draw. And I’m not sure it works. It was 2 quid, it might have arsenic in it for all I know.

2. Chris Kamara action figure. What he actually is has been lost to history. All I know is that he’s unbelievable Jeff, and I can’t part with him.

3. “Slime Family”. See above for details. It’s my shop’s fault, they shouldn’t sell such tempting wares and also wine.

The back of the box says the following:


– “Take some slime out”

– “Use animal mouth to suck it”

– “Push to spit it out”

So I don’t know what to do with it. Plus it’s got a weird hard thing inside the packaging that looks like a dead leaf and isn’t supposed to be there.

4. Cobra from Gladiators. My one true love when I was 9. His plastic crotch doesn’t do anything for me now, sadly. However, he does feature in…

5. Gladiators: Into The Arena on VHS. An all access look at the world of “The Glads” and a must for any fan. Featuring things like “Backstage with Jet”, “What does Jet eat for breakfast?” “A 10 minute montage of Jet doing stretches”, and “The other ones – a brief bio”. In all seriousness, it shows what contenders and Gladiators have to do to get picked for the show. Hint: one of the things might not necessarily not not be ‘fight to the death’.

6. A random cartridge from a Psion Organiser II. I know some of my readers are fans of this bad boy. Can anyone tell me if this had any games or cool stuff for a child on it? If not, can anyone tell me why the fuck I have this? It wasn’t so I could know the time in Japan.


7. Fisto action figure. Easily the best He-Man character on account of being called fucking Fisto.

8. Plastic prize egg from one of those egg shitting machines. They used to cost 20p, and had a stuffed chicken that would spin round then shit you out a present. We found this one in Rhyl, and amazingly it still cost 20p a go. Contains some rubbery shit which may or may not be an alien.

9. Blockbusters card game. Bought for me by my boss, Simon Brew, because he thought it was funny to take the piss out of the recent scathing criticism of my Blockbusters article. Bastard.

10. Troll. One of my prized possessions. Push its belly and its eyes flash red and green. Whichever colour it stops on is your answer. Red means no, green means yes. Like a Magic 8 Ball, only this one actually works, not like that charlatan. Batteries have long gone, which means now I can never tell the future, or even if I smell or not.


11. Finger monster. No explanation necessary.

12. Selection of books. “Masters Of The Universe – A Trap For He-Man”, “Rainbow – The Spring Clean”, and “Moon Dreamers – Scowlene’s Meddlesome Music”. Not got a fucking clue what happens in any of these, apart from the Rainbow book. Zippy can’t find his badge (spoiler alert).

13. Rainbow VHS. I say “Rainbow”, this is one of the reboots – after the proper show, before the apocalyptic ‘Rainbow Days’. Bungle, Zippy and George are adults and run a toy shop, with a rabbit/dog called Cleo popping in. Bungle has hollow eyes. Although not really a fan, the show does have its redeeming moments. Will stop before I write an intellectual essay on why the Rainbow toy shop reboot “shouldn’t be judged harshly by history”.

14. Two bracelets. I won them on a 2p machine, with all Jesuses on them.

15. A slime from Stardew Valley. Which I knitted.

16. Crap Superman. I saw him at a car boot sale for 20p and I couldn’t not buy him. Look at him – his crap face, his crap cape made of some kind of cloth that wouldn’t withstand a washing machine, never mind an evil washing machine. The… oh look, he’s just crap, and I love him because he’s crap.

Lads: My friend Tim suffers from MS and is raising money for a new wheelchair. He’s an awesome guy and it would mean a lot if you could chuck some money his way. I know you guys are great at this stuff so do me proud. Click this link to donate and follow him on Twitter, because he likes me, so you should like him.

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