In this episode, the lads go to space for the afternoon. It’s not super realistic, but the bits filmed in space are pretty good.
Let’s begin. We’re thrown straight into the action, as everyone teleports onto a random planet and then acts a bit confused as if they were expecting to be at Lidl.
“This isn’t Lidl,” says Bungle. “There isn’t even a tights ‘n’ bra section for Jane.”
“For fuck’s sake,” says Geoffrey. “We were coming to space to get away from you Bungle. I’m going to throw you into a crater.”
I like that the only thing Bungle needs to wear in space is a sash. Either he’s immune to space rapists, or he’s trying to attract them.
“Look at all those stars!” he says, ignoring the fact that A) there are stars everywhere, not just where he’s pointing, and B) they’re in space, WHERE STARS LIVE. Idiot.
“Hey look,” says Freddy. “I can just pick rocks up and chuck them at people!”
“You do that on Earth,” says Rod.
“No that was some dogshit I found, and it was only once,” replies Freddy.
“Rod, what’s that over there?” says Jane. “I can’t see it because I’m all female. I assume you’re blind and that’s why you have those Star Trek glasses on like Geordi, but your eyes are still manlier than mine!”
It is at this point that Geoffrey expresses the views of the entire cast and crew:
Also, I think everyone’s wearing tinfoil. I love Rainbow.
Geoffrey calls down to the spaceship for supplies. He has left Zippy and George in charge of the spaceship, despite them being 3. They beam down one of those bikes you get at Butlins in the 80s:
Except it’s not that sturdy and is possibly made from modelling balloons. The chances of it taking Bungle’s weight are slim.
WHY ARE ROD AND FREDDY BLIND?
Off they go, without a care in the world, like they’re going to watch a Knobbly Knees contest then spend an hour trying to win a Bros keyring on the 2p machine.
Meanwhile, back at the spaceship:
Which is definitely not just their living room, because everyone knows you can’t go to space in your living room. Zippy’s blind too. Must be catching.
George is controlling the entire ship using what looks like a pair of off-brand Atari joysticks. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG.
Wait, George is blind too. Oh fuck it, let’s just assume everyone is blind.
Geoffrey phones the spaceship again to make extra sure that Zippy doesn’t press that big red button that says “DO NOT PRESS” on it.
Zippy: “Of course not! What do you think I am, Bungle?”
Zippy presses the button.
This is never explained.
Meanwhile, Jane is being warned not to look at the sun without sunglasses.
“That’s how me and Freddy went blind,” explains Rod.
“That’s not how I went blind, amirite lads?” says Freddy.
While they’re doing that, Zippy and George are wondering “what would happen if we joined up all those stars”.
My guess is the apocalypse, but you carry on.
In the end, all that happens is that Bungle appears, which I suppose is pretty apocalyptic in its own way.
Ladies and gentlemen – the Ursa Retardus constellation.
OK, back to the action:
“Geoffrey, listen!” says Bungle.
“Bungle, we’ve been through this, I never listen to you,” says Geoffrey.
“But I’m not talking now! I mean I am talking, but once I stop talking it will be dead silence! Can you hear the dead silence Geoffrey?”
“I’m going to sell you to Tesco for 9p meat,” says Geoffrey. “Now shut up and explore space.”
Bungle shuts up.
“Wait a minute, I can hear something,” says Geoffrey. It sounds like… ROD JANE AND FREDDY!”
Of course it fucking does. A) They’re about 10 feet away from you. B) Of course they’ll find a way to sing in space. They’d find a way to sing in the 7th dimension where sound doesn’t exist.
In the middle of their prog-rock extravaganza, Rod Jane and Freddy get told off by a random alien for littering, and the alien gets BTFO for being a racist, because Rod Jane and Freddy never did any littering. (Spoiler alert – it was probably Bungle.)
Also, he’s not even from that planet, he’s just on holiday. That’s space cultural appropriation. Have him killed.
Rod Jane and Freddy go back to throwing rocks at each other. Never mind that the rocks are probably radioactive, and all you have for protection are scarves and fucking Bungle. And Bungle isn’t even there, that’s how shit he is.
Anyway, back to the plot.
“Bungle, if you ask me one more fucking time how farts work in space, I swear to God…”
Luckily, Bungle is saved from certain death by the bike getting a puncture. Geoffrey phones down to the spaceship for help.
But oh shit! Zippy and George can’t hear the phone, because they’re listening to space music on their space headphones.
“It’s no good, I can’t get through. The battery must be flat.”
It was still ringing Geoffrey. That’s not how phones work you div.
Meanwhile, Bungle is holding the telescope in a way only Bungle can:
“Geoffrey I can see someone!”
Fucking how can you see anything?
“It’s Rod Jane and Freddy!”
Of course it is. Bungle doesn’t know any other people.
Why is Geoffrey waving at them like they’re a mile away?
They try the phone again, and this time Zippy and George are suitably distracted from their New Kids On The Block album to beam them back.
Dat sexy effects –
“OK we have to go now,” says Geoffrey. “Bye!”
OK then, bye I guess.
So, the moral of today’s story is… don’t litter in space? Rod and Freddy are blind? Wear a scarf? I have no idea.
Also, this episode would have made an awesome Clangers crossover, until Bungle accidentally sits on one of them.