Last time I was in Wales, I stood in a junk shop and said to myself ‘You know what would be a really good idea and definitely not a waste of money? Buying a dozen shit badges.’ So that’s what I did.

Don’t go with a stranger


The badge is right. Trust me. I talked to a stranger the other week, and they turned out to be boring as fuck and then I couldn’t get away without being rude.

The badge doesn’t say anything about not going off with multiple strangers.

Dennis and Gnasher


Some charity thing. Why does it say ‘shoes’ on it?

While we’re on the subject, shout out to anyone else who owned that hairy Gnasher badge from the Beano fan club. Quality badge.



I don’t know why Cheddar is lethal.

Cartoons and shit


Duckula, Raphael and Look Who’s Bastard Talking.

Mr Wimpy in Holland


– Let’s theme a restaurant chain on that weird character from Popeye.

– Let’s make badges of him.

– You know what says ‘quality hamburgers’? Holland!

Don’t be a Chilly Wally


What the Christ is a Chilly Wally? I have no idea, but I assume it’s something to do with that two headed gentleman.

Other than that, I can only assume this is from the ‘take your coat off indoors or you won’t feel the benefit’ marketing board.

Christmas ASDA


In my ill and dilapidated state, I couldn’t think of the name of this bird for ages. My brain kept saying ‘it’s the ASDA Christmas cock’.

I paid money for these badges.

Visit a Power Station


They don’t say which power station, or why, or how you get into a power station. I imagine you can’t really just walk in off the street.

Anyway, my dad used to manage a power station, and I can confirm that all they do is mess about and try to slide down the cooling towers.

Mr Happy the Balloon


I’m a sucker for hot air balloons. I don’t mind Mr Happy either, although obviously he’s not a patch on Mr Greedy. Anyway, the main thing to take away from this is that Mr Happy looks like he has a white mullet, which you now can’t unsee.

Charlie the Monkey


Who is Charlie the Monkey? He looks like he’s having a ‘Nam flashback. If, as I suspect, this badge is from a zoo, I wonder if all the other monkeys used to bully Charlie for having his own badge like he’s hot shit? And then they’d throw actual hot shit at him. Really makes you think.

Obligatory link to my book, which is nowhere near as shit as this post.

10 thoughts on “My crappy badge collection

  1. awesome. I am guessing these came from Llandudno. I don’t know quite why. Or a satellite village nearby. Also I do still have both my furry Gnasher badge, which is not a euphemism, although it clearly is, PLUS MY PLUG CLUB BADGE shouty shouty anyway croeso nol/welcome back 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ‘Birthday’ were a slightly crappy children’s shoe brand. You got them in Curtis’ or Freeman Hardy Willis; or my sister did in the eighties (when she was a child).

    Asda badge – yes
    CHEDDAR – fuck yes
    Visit a power station – yeah alright

    The rest can fuck off.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I work in a power station. In Wales. I’d totally wear that badge on my power station overalls, when I’m doing the schools educational visits.

    On second thoughts, the don’t go with strangers badge may be more appropriate.

    Liked by 1 person


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