Shit and terrifying football mascots

I’ll be honest, this post is just an attempt to make me feel less shit about supporting Leeds.

Anyway, I keep telling myself that supporting Leeds is better than supporting a team with a literal pair of bollocks as a mascot (more on that later). That’s what I keep telling myself, as I cry into my gin.

So to cheer myself up, I’d like to show you some shit and terrifying mascots that still somehow manage to be brilliant.

Fun fact: I’ve met one of these guys, can you guess which one? (Hint: It’s Boiler Man.)

1. Help, It Burns!

AKA Kingsley from Partick Thistle. This is why people in Scotland have to do heroin all the time.

2. Man

AKA the Bradford City ‘City Gent’, AKA a bloke called Lenny with a hat on. Budget cuts.

Props to Lenny though; he recently lost 7 stone after being diagnosed with diabetes. As a reward, the fuckers at Bradford sacked him. And this is why Bradford is shit.

3. Sorry Not Sorry

AKA Hammerhead from West Ham. I guess this is kind of OK. At least, it would be were this not a photo of him observing a minute’s silence. At least take your smiley head off, you fucking serial killer.

4. Twiddle My Knobs

AKA Boiler Man from West Bromwich Albion.

Bit of backstory – this is not the ‘official’ WBA mascot – that honour goes to Baggie Bird, who is a bird and therefore harmless. But when Ideal Boilers came in as a sponsor, part of the contract was that they would get their own mascot to be shown off like a cuboid whore on matchdays. Thus, Boiler Man was born.

Thing is, most people now prefer Boiler Man. On my occasional visits to The Hawthorns, people are always clamouring to take photos of him. God help Albion if he leaves: there will be an unholy war started, probably outside Greggs.

5. Besh Stret Kid:

AKA JJ from Wigan Athletic.

AKA someone fused Satan himself with a Beano.

I don’t think the people at Wigan have never seen a female before. As a Leeds fan, I can say what I like about Wigan. To be honest, this and the fact that they beat us is all I know about Wigan.

6. Load Of Bollocks

AKA Roelio from Spanish side CF Pontevedra. Apparently he’s supposed to be a bone. Which just raises further questions.

He’s a pair of bollocks lads. With a hat on.

7. Harassment Horse

AKA Junter The Foal from German side Borussia Monchengladbach. Yeah, he might look all cute and harmless, but observe the reality, which is this godforsaken horror with gloves on, looming down over this child, who is wisely not making eye contact:

Here’s a drinking game for you – look at that photo for five minutes without drinking. Winner is the one who’s off reading something better than this shite.

8. U WOT M8

AKA Toby Tyke from Barnsley.

Want to know what makes this photo even better? This was to advertise a “Cheerios Fun Day”.

9. Misc

AKA Erwin from German side Shalke FC. Answers on a postcard. Then burn the postcard.

Honourable Mention: Fucking Noseybonk

AKA WuShock from the Wichita State basketball team.

Not convinced? Here he is in motion:

I warned you. I didn’t warn you, but never mind.

This is why we can never have nice things.

Let me know if you have any shit/brilliant mascots for me and I might do a part 2. In the meantime, please whore my book out if you’ve read it, or read it if you haven’t, that way I can buy shit. HERE IS BOOK!