People who are scared of skeletons are idiots. Skeletons are awesome, not least because they make a xylophone noise when they run. I like skeletons so much that we have a life size one in our spare room. His name is Juan and he wears a Santa hat. I’m not going to answer any further questions.
Also – I don’t want to alarm you, but you might have a skeleton living in your body right now.
Anyway, instead of doing the washing up I’ve decided to write a list of my favourite skeletons.
To which everyone immediately replies “But what about Sans!?!”. Fuck off. Sans is too good and I can’t beat him. His brother, on the other hand, was nice enough to go on a date with me even though he didn’t like me that way, and consistently fails to do the ‘Junior Jumble’ puzzle in the paper. He goes round in homemade fancy dress, and only wants to capture you so he can make some friends. Don’t get me started on his ‘Cool Dude’ t-shirt.
I love Papyrus, because he is a fellow failure.
Halloween dude (Stardew Valley)
Since he doesn’t have a name, let’s call him Steve. Steve and his brothers can usually be found in the mines, throwing their limbs at you. However, a couple of Steves are captured every Halloween and displayed in cages at the town festival.
What qualifies Steve from this list is his super secret hidden dialogue. Although the caged Steves are inaccessible to you, a few players noticed that a dialogue prompt would pop up if you hovered over them. This prompted all kinds of wild speculation over what kind of secrets Steve would share with you if you could only get close to him.
This, in turn, led someone to create a mod with the sole purpose of reaching inaccessible areas. Finally! The super secret skeleton dialogue was about to be revealed!
Here is the super secret dialogue:
Gerry (Graveyard Keeper)
Why are fictional skeletons such shitlords? Admittedly, Gerry is more of a skull than a whole skeleton, but what are you going to do, sue me?
Gerry is a sweary alcoholic with amnesia who lives in the morgue and gives you sass as you’re trying to dissect corpses. One of his hobbies is trolling the local Satan worshipper by hiding in a pile of other skulls and pretending to be his ‘inner voice’. Top lad.
Can you believe I nearly forgot Skeletor? In my defence, I never think of him as a skeleton because he’s so ripped. Skeletons aren’t really supposed to have huge guns.
Anyway, things Skeletor does:
– calls Evil-Lyn a boob
– can’t tell that Prince Adam is He Man
– rescues kids and puppies at Christmas despite hating them
– calls He Man a ‘musclebound buffoon’
– general evilling
Look, if you’re reading my blog you already know who Skeletor is. I wrote about the unfairness of him never managing to kill He Man here. Otherwise, just sit there doing the laugh, like I know you already are.
The Scotch Videos guy
– dancing skeleton
– snazzy tie
– voiced by Deryck Guyler
– singing along to the Rolling Stones
– selling VHS tapes
No further arguments needed.