Rainbow episode review: CSI Bungle

In today’s episode, we discover several life changing things:

1. There are bones in your body.

2. Rainbow shares a universe with Threads.

3. Bungle is a serial killer.

Let’s begin. The gang are sitting around singing about Old Mother Hubbard, because they don’t have jobs.

1

I can never understand why Bungle chooses to balance his voluminous arse on that stool. I live in constant fear that the stool will go up his bum. Maybe that’s why he looks so terrified.

After the song, Bungle asks the question everyone’s been wanting to ask:

“What was Old Mother Hubbard’s dog’s name?”

And by ‘everyone’, I mean ‘no one’. I suspect Bungle writes ‘FAQ’ lists for websites, where all the questions are things like “How can I let my friends know about your brilliant key cutting and shoe repair company?”

“Rover?”

“Spot?”

“Fido?”

Hands up if you’ve ever known any dogs with any of these names. These are not real dog names. Real dog names are things like ‘Alan’ and ‘Shitty’.

Geoffrey slaps them all down with a look.

2

“And what did they mean ‘the cupboard was bare’?”

“Oh that’s easy,” says Zippy. “It means the cupboard had no clothes on.”

“Ha, imagine having no clothes on! The shame!” laughs Bungle.

“…”

“…”

3

Geoffrey intervenes. “Anyway, stop being a twat Zippy. It means the cupboard was empty and Old Mother Hubbard had no food, because she’s a dole scum.”

They chat for a bit about dogs eating bones, and then Geoffrey drops a bombshell:

“Did you know WE HAVE BONES INSIDE OUR BODIES?”

4

“NO FUCKING WAY”

My sides. Geoffrey’s just pulled the old ‘I think you’ve got a skeleton living inside you’ gag, and the others are now shitting themselves. Good work Geoffrey.

Next up, it’s that bit from Threads where the teenagers are sitting round in a makeshift school watching a manky old VHS.

5

Never thought there’d be a Rainbow/Threads crossover, but here we are.

Bungle then decides to act like he doesn’t have any bones. I don’t know why this involves squatting on the floor like he’s having a crap.

6

Jane turns up. Do remember that Jane hasn’t been privy to any of the previous conversations.

“Bungle are you alright?”

“Yes I was just pretending I didn’t have any bones in my body.”

“…”

7

Anyway, the gang just can’t seem to answer any of the burning questions surrounding Old Mother Hubbard, so they decide to act out the story. You know Bungle is going to insist on being Old Mother Hubbard, so he can wear a dress and rub his own tits. Jane can be his bone.

OK, turns out I’m wrong. Jane is to create the role of Old Mother Hubbard. Bungle’s job is to make some bones out of a pile of white plasticine that just happened to be on the shelf.

8

Whatever happened to white dog poo?

Geoffrey finds an apron in the dressing up box. Bungle snatches it out of his hands and runs away.

“If I can’t wear a dress I’m going to make fucking sure I can wear an apron!”

Geoffrey ponders existentialism.

9

Now it’s time for the grand performance of Old Mother Hubbard. You can’t fault Jane’s commitment to stern-faced cosplay.

11

Jane opens the cupboard, and if you were previously paying attention, you won’t be surprised to find that there is fuck all in the cupboard.

George is playing the dog/gimp.

12

Old Mother Hubbard does not look in any other places for food, such as:

– The fridge

– The bread bin

– Asda

The stupid bloody woman.

“HELLO I AM THE BUTCHER”

13

They have a big conversation about how Bungle wants to give Jane his meat, but he can’t because she has no money, like a poor person. And that he’s not just going to give away free shit, even if it is Jane.

I think that’s where they buried the body.

14

Old Father Hubbard (Geoffrey) turns up, and Jane starts bitching to him about how Bungle won’t give her a load of free shit.

“I told him he could get exposure if he gave me some free shit, but he wasn’t having any of it!”

“The bastard!”

15

Luckily, Geoffrey’s been out and got a job, so he can pay for the meat and the weird phallic bones.

16

Geoffrey notices that someone’s been fucking with his garden, and when he goes to investigate, he finds a load of bones.

17a17b17c

George: “That’s funny, I could have sworn I didn’t bury my bones there…”

Bungle: “Of course you did George! Ha ha, it’s not like it’s Rod and Freddy or anything…”

George: “…”

Bungle: “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA”

18

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of the episode. Bungle is never punished for his crimes. Although to be fair, he is Bungle, and that is punishment enough.

Buy my book lads, it’s pretty good.

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