Rainbow episode review: The Crap Fair

I’m watching this episode blind. I have no idea what it’s about, or even what it’s called – it’s a random episode I found on Youtube. It could be about the plight of the Tolpuddle Martyrs, or it could be about one of them losing a pencil. Both are equally likely.

The gang are playing some bullshit with giant cards. Jane is arranging some flowers because she is the woman one.

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I have no idea why she’s arranging flowers in their house – did any of them say they wanted any flowers? I bet they didn’t. You don’t go round to someone else’s house and do flower arranging there. This adds further reinforcement to my theory that Rod, Jane and Freddy live in the Rainbow kitchen.

Bungle, as usual, has a haunted look, as if he’s just spotted the hidden camera in his living room.

Also, that LP on the table either says ‘songs’ or ‘zonc’. I’m going with ‘zonc’.

“When’s Geoffrey coming back? Where’s he got to?” x 1000000.

“Fucking never,” says Jane. “He says if he has to spend another minute with you three, he’s going to set himself on fire as a protest.”

Jane’s lies are exposed half a second later, when Geoffrey arrives back without being on fire, the fucking killjoy.

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Turns out Geoffrey’s been to a craft fair, which is entirely something that single men in the 1980s do. He couldn’t take the others with him, mostly because Bungle would cause £3000 worth of damage with his voluminous existence. I notice he didn’t buy anything, because it was all shit made out of beads and hemp.

Then we get a video of Geoffrey at the craft fair.

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Geoffrey, do you see the problem here? THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PICK UP WOMEN.

And this is the point Geoffrey realises he’s gone to a craft fair:

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It’s OK, because he spends the rest of the afternoon playing with the toys and generally being a nuisance.

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Geoffrey has bought presents for Jane, Bungle, George and Zippy. He hasn’t bought anything for Rod and Freddy, because let’s face it, what the hell are they going to want from a craft fair? They don’t do Stella and hookers at craft fairs.

Geoffrey’s bought Bungle, George and Zippy a dragon mobile, which Bungle immediately gets tangled up.

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He bought Jane a necklace from a man called Alan (probably).

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Right, prediction time. I predict that, because those three couldn’t go to the craft fair, they’re instead going to have their own craft fair. This will involve making shit out of plasticine, and sticking wool onto a paper plate, and then they will force Rod, Jane and Freddy to come round and pay money for their abominations outsider art.

To no one’s surprise, I am right. And of course it’s Bungle’s idea. He presents his manifesto in the usual terrifying way, by yelling it into the others’ faces:

8

Once they’ve stopped crying, George and Zippy agree that this is a brilliant idea.

“We can invite people round to buy our shit!”

“We can invite Rod, Jane and Freddy!”

Of course you can. They are literally THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU KNOW.

Geoffrey suggests making things out of “bits and pieces”. That’s a great idea, even if the execution will be sadly lacking. All kids in the 80s had a designated “bits and pieces” box, which fell into the category “rainy day activities”.

A while back, I made a load of my old childhood toys out of bits and pieces. It was mega.

Geoffrey gets out the official bits and pieces box. Back in the day, we knew how to have fun by emptying crap and wrappers out all over the table. Simpler times.

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Zippy’s going to make a puppet. This is probably the only item that won’t end up on fire. First of all, he needs something for the puppet’s head.

“Here, try this Zippy.”

GEOFFREY IS HELPING.

10

“No fuck off Geoffrey, that’s rubbish.”

“I know it’s rubbish, it’s from the bits and pieces box!”

“No I mean… look just fuck off.”

I bloody knew it – they’re just going to stick shit onto paper plates.

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Right. Zippy’s first mistake is letting Bungle draw the face on the ‘puppet’:

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Zippy’s second mistake is not having Bungle killed.

Zippy’s third mistake is letting Geoffrey have a crack at the puppet:

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My. Fucking. Sides.

Well at least they can’t bollocks it up any more.

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I can’t cope with this.

Do bear in mind that Rod, Jane and Freddy will later be forced to pay a quid for that.

“Can you guess what I’m making?” says Geoffrey.

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My guess, Geoffrey, is ‘poor life choices’.

Amazingly, Bungle’s stuff is so far the least shit. I wouldn’t go as far as to say anyone other than a serial killer would want to buy it, but still.

16

George has done a picture of some flowers, because now Jane has gone home he’s the woman one. I didn’t bother taking a picture of it because it’s boring. I’m more interested in the mystery thing Geoffrey is making. Turns out what he’s made is a necklace using the teeth of his enemies.

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The next day, instead of chucking the whole lot in the bin, the gang put a sign up in order to lure unsuspecting passers by (Rod, Jane and Freddy, because of course).

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Why is it just Bungle’s craft fair? I bet the others are trying to distance themselves from it.

Anyway, as predicted, Rod, Jane and Freddy are their only customers. Rod and Freddy have to pretend to be interested in going to a craft fair, even though they know they’re not going to pick up any women there, only Bungle.

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And that’s the end of the episode. I never did find out what it was called, but I’m going to go with “Dig your own grave and save”.

Thanks for all the donations to the site guys, especially Barbara, who is like Santa, if Santa liked shit Rainbow reviews. If you’d like to chuck in a quid to help the blog, there’s a donate button at the top (or at the bottom if you’re on mobile).

2 thoughts on “Rainbow episode review: The Crap Fair

  1. I’d like to think Bungle has picked up what looks suspiciously like a model of Postman Pat’s van in that last screenshot and his look is saying ‘Shit, we can’t be mentioning a show off the BBC on here, Geoffrey!’ ‘And who’s fault is that now, Bungle?’ etc.

    Liked by 2 people

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