It’s time to dig out the Argos catalogue again guys. This time we’re diving into the rad, shellsuit-wearing depths of 1991 to look at some toys.
Are you excited? I know I’m not.
1. Rad Turtles shit
This is so rad it gives me a headache, but it’s a headache TO THE X-TREME so it’s ok.
We have a space hopper, and what is apparently called a ‘disk-o-hopper’. My older sister had one of those; I kept trying to go on it, but apparently they’re designed for people with at least 1% balance. The girl is clearly having more fun than the boy, who seems to be saying ‘I don’t quite understand why you’re making me do this’.
Anyway I don’t care how cool those kids are, they’ll never be as cool as this:
Ignore the socks ‘n’ sandals combo.
2. Skip-it
Now this was something I could do, at least a little bit. An obsession for girls everywhere for a couple of years in the 90s, it was a cross between a skipping rope and a hula hoop, designed for those kids who couldn’t do either. Looking back, buying this for your child must have been like admitting they’d only ever get a ‘well done for trying’ ribbon at Sports Day.
3. WereBears
I don’t understand this. They’re always bears, they just turn from normal bears into slightly angry bears. I think they should have been called ‘Bears that change slightly’. Anyway, each WereBear came with an origin story on tape, narrated by Oliver Postgate, and there is absolutely no downside to that.
I may or may not have had one of these, I don’t remember. If I did, no doubt I tried to put one of my doll’s dresses on it and play tea parties with it, like a gimp and a div.
4. Simpsons crap
There was a time when everyone thought Bart Simpson was the funny one. I think we were still in the Cold War at the time, so possibly we had other things to think about. The point is they were badly wrong. Still, for a time you could acquire all kinds of zany, spiky haired tat. Including a calculator – implying any kid who cosplays as Bart Simpson is ever going to do maths. Can that kid breathe in that?
5. Kevin Costner
Two Kevin Costners, and what I assume is Little John. From the movie Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, which my friends and I were obsessed with, even though we weren’t supposed to watch it because we were 8. But it had fighting in it and it was a bit rude, so we watched it on video.
You know what looks more like Kevin Costner than that action figure? A fucking Barbie.
6. Edd the Duck
Long-time companion/lover of Andi Peters (who can now be found eating pies on QVC, just so you know). Edd comes to you today in the form of a glove puppet, and a sticky window thing. Edd looks really unhappy to be stuck on the window.
7. Pound Puppies
Meh. A pile of dogs. That’s about it. I once made Alex watch a Pound Puppies Christmas cartoon special with me. Neither of us wanted to watch it.
8. All of this
This poor kid. Not only does he own all the Care Bears, he also has to sleep under a ‘Snatch’ duvet cover. There’s no way he doesn’t get regularly beaten up at school. Still, he looks happy enough with the situation.
Even Gizmo and that huge bear look embarrassed to be in that room:
Gremlins 2. Not even Gremlins 1.
Did the Silent Night hippo come free when you bought a bed? Because that sounds like the sort of thing this lad’s shitty parents would do.
I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’ve got some shit on RedBubble if you’re interested. Remember, I never said it was any good.
World Of Crap 
I found an old scrapbook recently that has an entire section where I’d badly cut out TMNT heads and made them wear their own merch from catalogues. They look odd enough to make me wonder how I’ve not ended up a serial killer.
Oh, and my mum bought me that Silent Night hippo (with duck) so you definitely could get them without needing to shell out on the bed as we were poor as hell.
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My sisters had Pound Puppies, which even came with little baskets as far as I can recall.
Edd the Duck! Him and Andi Peters in the Broom Cupboard one of my fondest childhood memories (you also neglected to mention Jen that he can also now be found giving away money to those people who like having *shudders* Piers Morgan shoved in their face at 6am on Good Morning Britain. Exhibit A: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWVlr5pkLCE)
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Let’s call the ‘skip-it’ what it is: a ball and chain. It’s a medieval torture device marketed as a kids toy. The once-proud matchbox brand was about to go bankrupt for the second time around then, and the Hong Kong-based business which had bought it after its first collapse was partly owned by Bank Of China, so someone may have been making a disguised comment about human rights in the pre-Deng Xiao Ping era.
Or maybe they just thought “fuck it, throw anything at the market, we have nothing to lose…”
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And regarding number 8, all I can think of is the moment when someone had to explain to that kid that this wasn’t his bedroom, these weren’t his toys and it was time to go home, and he couldn’t take any of them with him.
I think that’s the scientific process for creating a Young Conservative, but I could be wrong.
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Christ, I had all three of those Simpsons figures. I lost the Bartman one almost immediately, but the purple detachable cape lurked around my bedroom for about a decade afterwards. Same with the accessories from the Homer figure.
Incidentally, around this time I was the first kid at school whose parents had Sky (my dad wanted to watch the rugby), and one day we had a TV-themed fancy dress day. I came in as Bart Simpson… and nobody knew who I was, because nobody else had seen The Simpsons yet.
Cunts.
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