Reviewing Panda Pops flavours

I’m a bit of a pop enthusiast. But I like proper pop, not diet flavoured water with natural extracts of kale and smug. Panda Pops have always been among my favourites, but sadly they’re illegal now, I think. That’s OK, I remember my Panda Pops flavours well enough to bring you the definitive ranking of classic flavours. Whether you fought other kids to the death to defend your favourite flavour, or just didn’t buy flavours you weren’t keen on, Panda Pops had something for everyone and there were always arguments to be made for each flavour.

Since I am a goddamn Panda Pops expert, I’m going to settle the age old debate: which Panda Pops were brilliant, and which were shit?

Get ready for a trip down memory lane as I review all your old favourites.

Gas

A limited edition flavour sponsored by the Gas Board, this wasn’t around for very long. I didn’t like it much. It tasted of gas. 3/10.

Onion

This loses points for being a blatant rip-off of Onion Coke. That being said, it was pretty much the same as every other onion pop out there, and god knows everyone on the internet talks about onion pop enough. I’m not a fan – if it was ever possible to make your piss fizzy, I suspect this would be the result. Disappointing. 1/10.

Vegetarian

Before vegans went round telling everyone they were vegan, no one knew vegans existed, so companies put all their efforts into wooing vegetarians instead. This flavour promised “absolutely zero meat content”. However, they really alienated their target market by making it lamb flavoured. 4/10.

Merlot

Described by the broadsheets as “mellow with a hint of zesty nutmeg” (the Times) and “really shit wine, tastes like a lady’s chuff” (the Guardian), Panda Pops merlot flavour hoped to top shandy in attracting the newly emerging under-10 crowd in pubs and off-licences. The main problem was the failure to include any alcohol. This didn’t stop kids pretending to be hammered after drinking it, staggering round shouting “willy” and “piss” at the tops of their voices. Idiots. 7/10.

Princess Diana Memorial flavour

“Like a panda in the wind” went the advert, and we were all moved by this touching and fizzy tribute. Smoked salmon flavour, if I remember correctly. Or maybe it was bubblegum. Whatever, it was stunning and brave. 9/10.

Plain

For those who liked their flavours unflavoured, plain Panda Pops claimed not to include anything at all, not even water. However, the substantial list of ingredients on the back of the bottle showed this to be a lie. 2/10.

Adjective

I think this was supposed to be called something else, but it ended up with this name due to a labelling error at the factory. Maybe it tasted of orange. 5/10.

Forbidden

Sadly, I’m not allowed to review this flavour. 10/10.

Alan

Everyone remembers their dad buying this from Tandy. This 1990s classic was marketed as “for the man who really likes buying speaker wires from Tandy”. Carbon flavoured with a hint of Minidisc. 11/10.

Fin.

I wrote a novel and it is on Amazon. It has bits about Skeletor and Rumbelows in it.