The other day, my mother in law bought this:


I insisted on sharing this classic with you, because I am nice like that.

Yoga is exercise, but for people who really like sitting down and going to sleep. Therefore it’s perfect for me, and I suspect a lot of you guys too. So we’re going to do this yoga course together, and at the end you’ll be all flexible and will be even better at sitting down than you were before.

This is YOGA MAN. He’ll be our main guide throughout this course. There’s a woman one as well, but she doesn’t have such magnificent trousers.


And here he is doing a mexican wave:

mexican wave

Right, allow me to take you through some of the main yoga poses, and if you do them you’ll probably be more relaxed and not have to drink neat gin while crying.

Don’t forget to do your stretches before you begin sitting down and not doing anything!

Are you all stretchy? Then let’s begin.

I call this one ‘the bike rack’.

bike rack

This is not yoga, this is just being lazy.

thats not youa thats being lazy

Left: “Hey my eyes are up here!” Right: “Hey my tits are down here!”

hey my eyes hey my tits are down here

“I’ve only had a few ales.”

really bored at the theatre

The Exorcist


Nobody puts Baby in the corner

nobody puts baby in the corner

Left: “This is bullshit, you can’t ground me.” Middle: “Ate a Rolo from under the settee that’s covered in dust and pubes.” Right: “Just seen a lady’s fanny for the first time.”

grounded ate a bad rolo saw ladys fanny for first time

“I swear to god I’ll fucking swing for Sharon if she does that again.”

i swear to god I'll swing for sharon if she does that again

Someone doesn’t know how to play Rapidough.

someone doesnt know how to play rapidough

“Why. Do. I. Fucking. Bother.”

why do i fucking bother

Left: “I’m fabulous.” Right: “You what Darren? No we’ve run out. I don’t know, go to Aldi and get some!”

you what darren no we've run out we need to go to Aldi

“Heads, Shoulders Knees and Heads and Shoulders and Heads and… erm…”

head shoulders knees toes

“If I make myself big, maybe my waistband won’t seem as high.”

if I make myself big my pants won't look as high

“This carpet could do with a clean.”

fuck it ill do it later

Hard mode: do your yoga poses in the middle of Asda. Don’t tell anyone what you’re doing. Refuse all assistance.

Thank you to everyone who’s bought my book so far. I get most of my sales through word of mouth, so if you liked it, be a pal and tell your friends. If you haven’t read it, you might as well. It’s not that shit.


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