Charity shops are ace. You can find untold treasures in them, or even a Right Said Fred annual, and all you have to do is polish your kung fu skills so you can fight off the old ladies who are eyeing up your stuff.
The final boss of the charity shop is Yvonne, Guardian of the Raffle Tickets. She stands behind the counter, and will charge you an arbitrary price for something depending on whether or not she likes the look of you:
“Those slacks look common. 20 quid for the jigsaw.”
“You look like a woman I don’t like called Beverley. I’m not selling you this.”
“Your Malcolm works at the bowls club doesn’t he? Have this Faberge egg for 50p.”
She will also bar your path with her mighty bosom if she decides your handbag’s too big.
If you can get past Yvonne, you may begin to browse the charity shop. Because I am nice, I’ve put together a handy sightseeing guide, including things to look out for and things to avoid during your charity shopping adventure.
As well as a book on flower arranging by a woman called Margaret, a hardback of ’99 Ways With Pork Jelly’, and a book about interpreting your dreams, you will find these:
Calm your tits lads, sadly they’re not ‘Video Library’ VHS cases. They are Reader’s Digest ‘classic novels no one’s ever heard of’. They are all called ‘The Daffodils of October’.
At some point, you may be faced with this shelf:
Remain calm. Back away slowly. Try not to inhale.
Jeans that fit no human being
Unless the human being is one of the following:
– 10″ waist, 20ft tall
– 1000″ waist, 1ft tall
One net curtain
On a coat hanger, and inexplicably in the men’s clothing section. No one ever buys it.
For soup. Handily, they also come with soup recipes printed on them, in case you’ve bought these accidentally without knowing how to make soup, where to buy soup, or what soup is.
Free with the Daily Mail/Daily Express. Ideal for people looking to purchase a kilo of films.
See also: anything that claims the owner is a fairy princess. This will be a divorced, 42 year old fairy princess with a lot of problems.
Balls of wool
In a wire basket. Like the net curtain, no one ever buys the wool, but the old ladies will guard it fiercely. If you try to go near the wool, the old ladies will all look at you.
No one knows where it came from or what it’s for, but everyone knows it used to belong to a man named Ken.
Naked Bratz dolls
Always Bratz, and always naked. This is because Bratz dolls are slagz. They have no feet when they are naked. This is also because they are slagz. The one in the middle is called Callum.
Sports games. All sports from football to soccer. Perfect for people who really want to play as the 2004 Watford team. Also golf sometimes, but no one cares about that. Tiger Woods isn’t even a real tiger. Or a real woods.
Occasionally you might find some interesting looking PC games in jewel cases, but these will all turn out to be copies of the film Big Momma’s House on DVD.
In the case of #1, there will be 30 in stock. This number rises to 6000 every July. I’m sceptical of the claim that every teacher is the best teacher in the world.
Occasionally you may swap the above for a single by the Lighthouse Family, or a copy of Now 42 with a scratch that means ‘End of the Line’ by Honeyz won’t play properly.
Interactive DVD games
Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices today!
BE PART OF THE SHOW. The box orders you to do this.
‘Be part of the show’ by pressing one of the arrow keys on your DVD remote, waiting 10 minutes for it to load, then discovering you’ve accidentally claimed Nelson Mandela was born in Sheffield.
Play these with your family, if you hate your family.
I know I’ve just spent 10 minutes of your time taking the piss, but do go and visit your local charity shops. They are brill. Be sure to carry mace with you at all times, to defeat Yvonne.
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