Charity shops are ace. You can find untold treasures in them, or even a Right Said Fred annual, and all you have to do is polish your kung fu skills so you can fight off the old ladies who are eyeing up your stuff.

The final boss of the charity shop is Yvonne, Guardian of the Raffle Tickets. She stands behind the counter, and will charge you an arbitrary price for something depending on whether or not she likes the look of you:

“Those slacks look common. 20 quid for the jigsaw.”

“You look like a woman I don’t like called Beverley. I’m not selling you this.”

“Your Malcolm works at the bowls club doesn’t he? Have this Faberge egg for 50p.”

She will also bar your path with her mighty bosom if she decides your handbag’s too big.

If you can get past Yvonne, you may begin to browse the charity shop. Because I am nice, I’ve put together a handy sightseeing guide, including things to look out for and things to avoid during your charity shopping adventure.

Books

BOOKS

As well as a book on flower arranging by a woman called Margaret, a hardback of ’99 Ways With Pork Jelly’, and a book about interpreting your dreams, you will find these:

readers digest books

Calm your tits lads, sadly they’re not ‘Video Library’ VHS cases. They are Reader’s Digest ‘classic novels no one’s ever heard of’. They are all called ‘The Daffodils of October’.

At some point, you may be faced with this shelf:

50 shades

Remain calm. Back away slowly. Try not to inhale.

Jeans that fit no human being

jeans

Unless the human being is one of the following:

– 10″ waist, 20ft tall

– 1000″ waist, 1ft tall

One net curtain

net curtain.jpg

On a coat hanger, and inexplicably in the men’s clothing section. No one ever buys it.

Soup cups

soup mugs

For soup. Handily, they also come with soup recipes printed on them, in case you’ve bought these accidentally without knowing how to make soup, where to buy soup, or what soup is.

Free DVDs

daily mail dvds

Free with the Daily Mail/Daily Express. Ideal for people looking to purchase a kilo of films.

Pink shit

pink tat

See also: anything that claims the owner is a fairy princess. This will be a divorced, 42 year old fairy princess with a lot of problems.

Balls of wool

wool

In a wire basket. Like the net curtain, no one ever buys the wool, but the old ladies will guard it fiercely. If you try to go near the wool, the old ladies will all look at you.

This bowl

bonbon dish

No one knows where it came from or what it’s for, but everyone knows it used to belong to a man named Ken.

Naked Bratz dolls

bratz2

Always Bratz, and always naked. This is because Bratz dolls are slagz. They have no feet when they are naked. This is also because they are slagz. The one in the middle is called Callum.

PS2 games

ps2 games

Sports games. All sports from football to soccer. Perfect for people who really want to play as the 2004 Watford team. Also golf sometimes, but no one cares about that. Tiger Woods isn’t even a real tiger. Or a real woods.

Occasionally you might find some interesting looking PC games in jewel cases, but these will all turn out to be copies of the film Big Momma’s House on DVD.

Mugs

mugs

In the case of #1, there will be 30 in stock. This number rises to 6000 every July. I’m sceptical of the claim that every teacher is the best teacher in the world.

Music

DB album

Occasionally you may swap the above for a single by the Lighthouse Family, or a copy of Now 42 with a scratch that means ‘End of the Line’ by Honeyz won’t play properly.

Interactive DVD games

FF dvd game

Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices today!

BE PART OF THE SHOW. The box orders you to do this.

‘Be part of the show’ by pressing one of the arrow keys on your DVD remote, waiting 10 minutes for it to load, then discovering you’ve accidentally claimed Nelson Mandela was born in Sheffield.

Play these with your family, if you hate your family.

I know I’ve just spent 10 minutes of your time taking the piss, but do go and visit your local charity shops. They are brill. Be sure to carry mace with you at all times, to defeat Yvonne.

If you like my stupid posts, please do RT them and share them on Facebook, and whatever the kids are using these days. That’s how I get new readers, it really does help a lot.

 

Extra stuff on my new Patreon if you’re interested

8 thoughts on “13 things in every charity shop

  1. I always forget that ITV tried to make the primetime Saturday night career of Vernon Kay hosting rubbish reboots of old game shows a thing in the mid 00s until I see ‘DVD games’ that take an age to load littering the shelves of charity shops with his mush on the front.

    I always found Bratz dolls a bit creepy. They looked like a latter career Pete Burns if they’d done Barbie dolls of him.

    I loved those soup mugs, we had them growing up and I bought myself a set second hand from Oxfam – St Alban’s branch – when I was at uni!

    Like

  2. 1. Buy Reader’s Digest book.

    2. Cut a cavity through the pages in the shape of a revolver.

    3. Keep emergency vodka miniatures in it.

    4. Next to the fake plastic bean tin that you keep your spare car key and a five franc note and the Koh-i-Noor in.

    I like that lineup of PS2 games, too.

    FIFA
    UEFA
    FIFA
    UEFA
    PETER JACKSON’S KING KONG THE OFFICIAL GAME OF THE MOVIE
    FIFA
    UEFA
    FIFA…

    But I could never brave the old ladies to see it for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great stuff. I am a charity shop manager and yes, we get lots of the soup bowls. Really funny reading, well done. And btw Yvonne is actually maureen and we sell loads of wool lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not only do I have a copy of that book, it is signed by cliff.

      Bizarrely my Wife’s Uncle did all the illustrations and the cover, so he got a signed copy.

      However, he never met cliff.

      Why the fuck we have ended up with it, I have no idea.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You totally missed board games, charity shops are legally required to stock at least one copy of Popamatic and Ker-plunk with half the sticks chewed on. That and 40 year old Blue Peter annuals.

    And you’re lucky about PS2 games, I only ever see a demo disc from a ’90s PC magazine that the old dears think is worth at least £20.

    Like

  5. My favourite charity shop find happened 4 years ago when I had just moved to Manchester. In the process of clearing out the old house we got rid of a lot of tapes, including the first-ever albums I got owned, a gift from my parents for Christmas in 1986 – NOW 8 and HITS 5 (known to almost everyone as The One With A Big Red Dice On The Front). I was gutted to be getting rid, but since we no longer had a tape player, they went. However, it felt wrong to chuck the vinyl, so despite the lack of a record player, they stayed.

    Anyway, once we’d moved to our new flat we decided to get a record player to make the most of said LPs. And then I decided to boost our vinyl collection with a mix of new and second hands stuff. On day one I went out into Stockport in my lunch break, fully intending to raid the charity shops to see what I could find. The dream would be to obtain either HITS 5 or NOW 8 (or both) but I couldn’t imagine they would be all that easy to find at all.

    The first charity shop I hit was British Heart Foundation. And the first thing I saw as I came through the door was a shelf with all the new records they’d recently had in – and there, the centrepiece of the display was a familiar Big Red Dice (or Die, or whatever). For a fiver. On day one of record collecting.

    Later that week I was also able to get a still sealed NOW 4 for £4 from another secondhand shop.

    Good times!

    Like

Well?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s