Corner Shop Crap: So many evil pigs

Further evidence of why I shouldn’t be allowed to go to the shop when I’ve had wine:

I decided it was a good idea to spend £1.49 on a ‘Farm Fun’ activity pack, promising ACTIVITY PUZZLES FUN.

And this pig, who has clearly just murdered someone:

The main selling point, though, was the inclusion of cut out animals and backdrop scene. Finally, I could have my own farm! No more dicking about watering plants on a first floor balcony – I can just skip straight to the big leagues! I’ve always wanted a cow.

Spoiler alert – that part didn’t go so well. I’ll get to that. In the meantime, let’s explore the ACTIVITY PUZZLES FUN.

First up is a terrifying fresco, which I think you’re supposed to colour.

THE FUCK IS THIS

They’re all staring at me like they know something I don’t. I don’t think the four pencil crayons they provide you with are a sufficient means of combatting this evil, so let’s move on.

A crossword! I love crosswords. I nearly finished this one, but I’ll be honest lads, it was quite hard.

 

Next up we have a quiz. There’s only one question – What the fuck kind of animal is this?

A few more puzzles, which I skipped because they were boring shit like wordsearches. I’ll just assume the words were all in there.

This picture. The longer you look at this picture, the worse you feel.

This pig. This pig is worse than the other pig.

We get a brief respite from the horror in the form of a lovely maze. I like mazes, and this was a piece of piss. Look, he didn’t even have to go through the maze, he could just go around it. The silly billy.

That’s about it for the pages of note. There were some jokes, which I enjoyed:

Now then. Remember the cut out animals and backdrop scene? Here they are:

It’s all one piece of card, meaning you’re supposed to cut the animals out of the background. This is what you end up with:

I feel less than pleased. Also, they were quite hard to cut out. Imagine if I was 5, instead of a strange middle aged woman.

I know what some people will be thinking. A) It was only £1.49, what do you expect? and B) You’re 35, I don’t think this is really aimed at you.

To those people, I will say the following:

Fin.

Big thank you if you’ve already bought my book. If you liked it, please tell your friends about it, if you have any.