Lads, I’ve got to share this abomination with you:
I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve tried eating crisps to distract myself but that hasn’t worked.
I never really watched Blue Peter as a kid, I watched better stuff like Round The Bend and ZZZap!. Blue Peter was more for kids who said things like “please may I leave the table”. But my dad saw this in a junk shop and got it because he knows I like ‘make and do’ shit. Amazingly, he still admits he’s related to me.
“Kids! Do you want to look like the demon spawn of Worzel Gummidge and a mop?”
“No fuck off!” yell the kids.
“Tough shit, we’re going to show you how to do that, as soon as you’ve finished asking if you can leave the table.”
State of those wigs. Interestingly, The only two people who don’t think this is a great idea are that head and that doll.
The others all think this is a banging idea, and are ignoring the fact they went to RADA.
In the first paragraph they attempt to justify their psychopathic activities. Maybe you “simply want to try out a new hairstyle”.
Pop quiz. If a kid had to choose between two hairstyles to show off at school, would they choose:
A) wearing one of these wigs
B) getting “fuck you” shaved into the back of their head
And before you ask – no I won’t be making one of these. I have standards. I might go with option B at some point, if I get really pissed.
The method appears to be as follows:
1. Get one of those string bags that you used to get onions in, and that are only available in the past. I suppose you could try a Primark bag; it might not work as well but at least it would cover your entire head, sparing you some shame.
2. Get some wool, and cut the wool into 38,000 strands. You could use ROUND ENDED SCISSORS, but then you wouldn’t be able to stab yourself to death.
3. Spend the next two years threading individual bits of wool onto the onion bag (remove the onions, unless you want to stink on top of looking like a serial killer knitted your hair).
5. Attempt to wear the wig in public without people immediately trying to kill you with fire.
Mark my words – this is a massive scam to keep kids quiet. Either they’ll be too busy poking wool through a bag to bother you, or they’ll have been burned at the stake by the local villagers. Either way.
And this is why Art Attack was always better.
Sharing this blog would be nice. Or if you’d like to buy my book about shit hippies, that would also be nice.