I have a joke for you. Here is my joke:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. Because he knew how to do it properly, because he watched this shit road safety DVD that I am about to show you.

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This DVD is called SOCHO!, which, after some light googling, I discovered is Hindi for THINK! I don’t know if you have to shout it or not.

Anyway, SOCHO! is an awesome road safety movie sponsored by our local council, for reasons. It’s not well known round here or anything – we just happened to spot it lurking at the back of a charity shop. That’s how much road safety means to people in the Midlands.

Now then, as fun as it would be to watch the film in Bengali and try to figure out what’s going on –

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I’m going to go with English, because I don’t speak any of the other languages. I think I know how to say ‘balloon’ in Urdu, because I once saw an episode of ‘Learn Urdu With Noddy’. I wish I’d just dreamed that.

But I’m not sure being able to say balloon in Urdu is enough to be able to understand a road safety lecture, so I’ll just play it safe.

Right, on with the fun. After the loading screen, which finishes loading in about three years, we meet this dude, who has a comedy Brummie accent completely unsuited to giving us a stern talking to. I don’t know his name, so let’s call him Alan.

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Without so much as a hello, Alan begins to lecture us on being terrible parents. He’s lecturing me and I don’t even have kids. This doesn’t deter Alan:

“You wouldn’t let your kids play with fireworks or matches…”

“You wouldn’t download a car…”

Etc.

Actually, I would download a car, but that’s beside the point.

When he’s finished telling us off for our imagined crimes, Alan introduces our first inspiring story.

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The guy in the suit is telling his kids to hurry up and get in the car, otherwise they’ll be late for school. This is despite the fact that he himself is hindering their attempts to get in the car by standing in their way with his arms around them.

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His wife comes out of the house. REMEMBER THIS WOMAN – SHE IS IMPORTANT. Also, she’s left her front door wide open, the idiot. Serve her right if she goes back in and the TV’s gone.

His wife does some nagging then disappears. The father lets his kids all pile into the car without putting their seatbelts on or anything, because he is evil.

Remember the nagging wife from five seconds ago? She’s now turned into SUPER WIFE CLOUD™! Now she can use her nagging power for good!

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“How the fuck could you forget to strap the kids in the back? Why did I ever marry you, you piece of shit. You want our kids to go through the windscreen just so you can claim on the insurance! I should have married Bob. There’ll be no tea or sex for you tonight my lad…”

The husband, instantly contrite, sellotapes the kids into the car and staples their coats to the seats for good measure. Trust me, you don’t want to piss off SUPER WIFE CLOUD™.

Even this 15 year old has a child seat and is sellotaped in.

7

Next up we have a girl walking to school with her grandfather. In another act of supreme evil, the dad from before shows up and offers the pair a lift to school, on account of the old man’s poor aching bones, and also of his determination to piss off SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ –

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But! SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ appears, as she knows this guy too. Or everyone knows her. She might be like a local legend – “Be good kids, or SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ will come and shout at you while you sleep!”

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SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ Is all “No! You cannot ride in our car! Fuck off! I do not care if you have a heart attack in the street because you are 102, my husband will get a fine or points on his licence! I should have married Bob.”

Then that bit stops, and we see this dude crossing the road between two parked cars.

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However, SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ does not appear to him, either because she doesn’t know him or because she wants him to get run over, I don’t know. What am I, the boss of road safety?

Next, evil dad parks in a ‘no parking’ zone outside the school. A woman in a car drives past and beeps. The girl in the back of evil dad’s car says –

“That lady looked at you!”

Evil dad turns to the girl and pulls his best angry Nicolas Cage face –

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This is because he’s seen the KEEP CLEAR markings on the road, and he knows what’s about to go down –

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That’s right! SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ appears and starts kicking him in the balls with her ethereal foot.

“I fucking told you, you no good waste of my vagina! How dare you park here! I don’t care that no one was hurt, millions of people were potentially hurt! Just look at any office risk assessment! YOU FOOL! I should have married Bob.”

Evil dad is stood there like “No, I should have fucking married Bob.”

Now we rejoin Alan, our hero from before. He introduces us to Salman, who wants to cruise round town picking up chicks.

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Sadly his Grandma appears, like a beacon of cock-blocking doom, but at least there’s no SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ yet.

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She makes Salman drive like a nerd, hindering his chances of getting laid. I assume he’s driving her to Dunelm to look at curtains, because that’s what old ladies like to do.

No SUPER WIFE CLOUD™, because Salman has postponed his Pussy Patrol like a good grandson.

Alan’s next tale of woe is about drink driving. No SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ yet, just David Schwimmer and Richard Herring having a pint together.

15

We end up in a video full of Fast And Furious And Regret. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen the Fast And Furious films. I did see Geostorm, but I don’t see how that’s relevant. Anyway, we end on something of a downer.

16

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Not even SUPER WIFE CLOUD™ could save him.

And that is a lesson for you to not drink and drive. Otherwise you will die and be in this weird DVD.

And remember:

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Big thank you if you’ve already bought my book. If you liked it, please tell your friends about it, if you have any.

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