Lads, what is this and why the fuck did I buy it:

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I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to answer the second question – let’s just put it down to too much coffee, mild curiosity and, I dunno, commitment phobia.

This doesn’t help us with the first question. The wrapper helpfully says “TOYS”, which is no fucking help to anyone. Even the woman in the shop muttered to her husband “We stock these? Why?”

Listen lady, you stock these so people like me can spend £2.99 on them, and also on a novelty sign that says “You don’t have to be a twat to work here, but you are a twat anyway”.

Right, let’s examine this objet d’art.

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Let’s be clear that this is in no way inspired by Toy Story; as if the person who designed this has ever seen Toy Story, or visited this planet before.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIS… WHOLE FACE

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I can’t cope with this. My bum hurts. That’s not related.

It’s like he’s wearing a cheap Halloween mask of Kim Jong Un. And then he’s put lipstick on, because why not. I’m also confused about why they’ve gone to the effort of sticking hand stickers on the hands, like that was the only part they cared about. I’m telling you, these people are from the 7th dimension and they’ve never seen a human before.

They went to all that trouble to put realistic hands on those arms.

Nevertheless, our new friend deserves a name, because it’s what’s on the inside that counts, even though I suspect what’s inside this dude is dead flies and e-coli. Since he’s definitely nothing to do with the Toy Story universe, we won’t be calling him Woody. There’s definitely no reason to call him Woody, or Wouldn’ty, or Help It Burns. He’s probably not an official Kim Jong Un doll either, so that’s no use.

Let’s call him Sharon. That’s a nice name.

Sharon came with a mystery accessory:

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Honest to God, we bought this last Wednesday, and we’ve only just figured out what this thing is for. I suspect it’s not really made by BMW.

Turns out you put the bits together to make a big stick/fork thing, which you insert into the arse of Sharon’s horse.

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I know Sharon is enthusiastically and sexily presenting his bum in this photo, but there’s another reason for that.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready for a week’s worth of research and scientific experiments? It would have been five minutes but we’re a pair of divs.

THIS IS WHAT SHARON DOES:

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We played with this for a while before regret and ennui set in. I sloped off to write this and Alex retreated to watch videos about speaker wires on Youtube.

Anyway, now Sharon is part of our family. I guess he can live on the shelf with the Chris Kamara figure and the Action Man that looks like Alan Partridge.

And this is why we don’t like having people round.

Fin.

My novel has the following things in it: He-Man, Daniel O’Donnell, lots of swears, nudists, and vegan Robert Palmer lyrics. There’s is no downside to reading it.

3 thoughts on “Corner Shop Crap: The Good, The Bad And The Kim Jong Un

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