Not gonna lie lads – my throat feels like someone’s spiked my jaffa cakes with broken glass. However, because I am stunning and brave, I will soldier on and write a load of shit for your perusal.
I found myself acquiring the 1974 Sun Annual For Girls the other week.
Because I am a go-getter, it’s been sitting in the boot of the car since I bought it. Now that I’m sat here with the ability to do little more than croak and Google “head amputations”, I’ve decided to share some of it with you.
We’re going to be looking at the “How Do You Rate As A Person? Are You A Complete Bastard?” quiz. Spoiler alert: I already asked Alex how I rate as a person, and he said “I don’t know. 7.” So that’s cleared up. I’ll still do the quiz though, because I’ve scanned it in now and I’m not wasting that effort.
In this quiz, you get to determine your weird, China-style social credit score. Your answers are possibly passed on to the government, and it will affect your ability to get a loan or find casual shagging on Tinder. Therefore, you complete this quiz at your own risk.
One thing I have to point out before we begin: most of the available answers are bollocks and I wouldn’t choose any of them, so I’ve had to add my own answers, in the interest of being completely honest with the government.
My answer: D – Amuse yourself in the queue by playing ‘Polite Chicken’. See how close you can stand to the person in front of you before they complain. Bonus points if you end up actually wearing their clothes and they still pretend not to notice.
My answer: D – Agree to watch the billion episodes of Pointless your dad’s recorded on his Sky box, and to eat off the big plates. Agree that Pawn Stars isn’t a stupid boring show.
My answer: B, all the way. People who say they never gossip are liars, and LYING IS MUCH WORSE AND YOU WILL GO TO HELL.
My answer: D – Tell the driver that the old lady is a leading member of Isis, and then she’ll get thrown off the bus. Problem solved.
My answer: D – Implying I have friends. But if this did happen to me, then I would murder her and claim the dress for myself. Then I would immediately regret it, and vow never to wear clothes again.
My answer: D – This is not applicable to me. I went to see Geostorm at the cinema.
My answer: D – What the fuck is a flag day.
My answer: D – Eat nachos. Throw the pointiest nachos at people I don’t like the look of.
My answer: D – You don’t know my mother. She’ll outlive us all, and her robot body will keep posting nonsensical memes to Facebook.
My answer: Definitely not C, because who the fuck does that? Who has a ‘second choice’? In reality, probably plant a load of ‘Chlamydia and You’ leaflets in her bag and round her house, and staple them to her.
That’s the end of the questions; it’s time to see how we all did. I hope you were playing along at home, and not cheating like a big cheating cheat.
Well, ARE YOU A BASTARD?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself from taking this quiz, it’s that I can’t be fucked to add up those scores. I’m just going to assume I’m lovely.
Right, back to feeling sorry for myself and swigging Calpol.
Sharing this blog would be nice. Or if you’d like to buy my book about shit hippies, that would also be nice.